On a Journey...

Staying focused on one goal at time for me is very difficult, I am not a multi-tasker....I would like to be, but I am not.

I so long to be pregnant again, and as the preggo amount continue to rise around me, I am finding that Pull at my heart, even harder to stand up to. You see I am on a weightloss journey with my husband, and we are both commited to loosing some serious weight, and to do this we are getting a little help through herbal magic....it's working! Tom has lost significantly more then me, however this is "normal" for men to loose it faster....back to why it is struggle to stay focused. While on Herbal magic I should not be getting pregnant, we are however not preventing it as this is pointless...if it happens naturally....Halleujiah, if not...well...ok, we move on to IVF again....eeekk!! $10,000 bucks, plus gas, and parking...And the physical toll on my body, and my hormones, With every IVF that we do, the risk of Breast cancer later in life increases, this is something that I must weigh very heavly as my mom had breast cancer and then died at the age of 48 of colon cancer. Not something I really want to mess, with. We are hoping that with weight loss, and a little extra help we will hopefully, be able to do this on our own, like we did in the beginning of our marriage, which we sadly lost. We have lost a total of 8 embryo's through the course of infertility. Crazy!

Oh yeah..focus....see what I mean....

I need to focus on the loosing wieght which takes time, for hopefully a better return later. I am such a jealous person. It is my down fall, and has left me so often feeling robbed, angry, and in not any better shape. We started on this weight loss journey because I reached that wall....I Hate the way that I look, with a passion. I don't feel sexy, making my sex drive the pits....NOT condusive to making a baby...if you know what I mean. So We embarked on this journey together, and it is not easy...I LOVE FOOD!! More like I love how food makes me feel, it fills a hole in my chest, for a few seconds, then the Oh, SHIT! I should not have eaten that bag of chips, hits, and then I feel crummy about me and the cycle begins, and the weight increased.

Much has to do with me trying to fill the void of my mom being gone. I spend way to many days alone, sad, and snacking...that was till a few weeks ago. Now I try to do anything but eat the required food items, and MUCH MUCH less of the CRAP! I have a long way to go to reach my goal, but seeing all these wonderful pregnant ladies, has put some fire under my ass, to get GOING!!

Dang it, I want to feel good, physically, mentally, sexually, and face my life about 50 pounds lighter....it will not solve all my issues....We all know I have lots, but it will go a long way into helping reach for a better quality of life. One day at a time....one pound at a time too!!

Please pray that I CAN STAY FOCUSED ON THE LONG TERM!!!! Health, and hopefully a new baby, some where in my future.