Visits from Friends

Tonight we visited with Friends that we have not really seen in a long time, it was really nice to catch up again. Life has seemed to run away with out us and now we have to catch up to everything that has gone on. I must say I am grateful to friends who love us despite our oddities or our great sadness and painful journey through infertility. We often felt that through the journey that we were alone, in our feelings of despair and loneliness, that there was no one that could understand and no way for us to make them understand. It really is a strange place to be, you know what you want, but you just can't have it for whatever reason, things fall by the wayside.
We have come to realize that despite the past, we need and want to grow up. God wants us to grow up in Him, that we would not need milk forever but truly grow in him, and seek him in all situations, no matter what they are, no matter what emotion, or feeling we may have. We are aware that we need a community, what we don't know is exactly where that is, or how or when we will get there. We do however want to grow up in a spiritual way. We want to face each day as a gift, and take it as it is. Recently I have gotten the cold shoulder from some, but I really don't care, for once in my life, I don't care. Because I know where I stand right at this moment, in the middle of God's will. I don't have time or want to have time to deal with little teenage scwabbles that for some reason us women have. They are petty, stupid and plain ridiculous. Got a problem with me then face me, if you don't have the guts, then keep it to yourself. God calls us higher then that, and paul many times said quit your fighting, figure it out. It is just not worth it. I am who I am by the grace of God, I am not perfect, but I am happy to be me. I am loved and cherished by my family, I am respected by those who's respect I earned, and I am made in the image of God.
Thankyou to friends that continue to care, pray for us, and love us no matter what state our heart is in. God Bless

Being free

My uncle recently came to visit me, and while we were visiting we talked a lot about church, and how wounded I felt, and how I felt trapped under tradition, and ritual. So he told me this story and I think he hit it on the nail.

It was Johnny's first day of school, the teacher walked around and handed out a sheet of paper to everyone, and said "we are going to draw a picture today". So Johnny took out his new crayons, and began to draw a dragon and a knight. The teacher then said, "we are going to draw flowers"
Johnny quickly turned over his paper, and began to draw flowers, purple ones, and red ones and blackones. All different. Then the teacher said, I want you to draw one flower, color the pedals yellow the center red, and the stem green and there needs to be one leaf, you need to color that green as well. Now Johnny was very embarassed, he had to raise his hand and get a new sheet of paper. Johnny drew one flower with yellow pedals, a red center, and a green stem with one leaf.

A few years later Johnny had to move, and on his first day of class he had art class, the teacher handed out a sheet of paper and said you may draw anything you want, just draw. Johnny took out a yellow, green, and red crayons. He drew one flower, with yellow pedals, a red center, a green leaf and stem. When the teacher had collected them, she later asked Johnny why he drew a flower, when he could have drawn anything he wanted. Johnny replied " I don't know how to draw anything else".
If we get so caught up in traditions and rituals that have been set for us, we never learn how to do things on our own. If there are always people ie: friends, church elders, family telling us how to do things and the way that we should do them, the gifts that God gave us may end up not being used the way that they could. Some rules are good, entirely. I strongly believe that each child of God has something to offer to the King of Kings, but they often need to figure out what that gift is on thier own through the spirit teaching them, moving them. We all have the image of God in us, don't snuff it out for someone else because they are different or have a different way of finding thier identity in Christ.
I thank my Uncle Eric for his advice, concern, and love!!

Our Journey Continues.

Our Journey through infertility has brought us through every treatment, (almost) availiable, and yet this does not solve the problem of waiting. I often have wondered why God has allowed us to go through so much. But then I remember my book, I once said to Tom, that my book is not finished till I have a baby(ies) in my arms. Then a new book with have to start. But until then it has been a roller coaster experience and continues to be. The hardest part of it all is the times in between treatments, where the days turn into weeks and church, and friends become less of a priority, not that we don't want to hang out with them, it is just easier not to. I don't know what friends think of me, I don't think I want to know. What thier opinion of me is...is entirely up to them at the moment. I just ask for thier patience, love and support, and grace space.

As far as the church thing goes, we really have found it difficult to begin to search for a new family of believers. It is a really sore spot in my heart, because personally, I know exactly what I want to do...but I am married, and my husbands needs, opinions and desires, matter to me just as much as my own. Here is the thing, I am a rebel. I will admit that, but it runs in my blood, I am not a religious traditionalist. I believe in the holy Spirit, who moves among us, and will guide you if you let it. I believe in not shutting out spur of the moment things, as long as they do not go against the biblical teachings of Christ. I really don't know what to think right now, because I feel that our church community is a fair weather community, when they are good, and you follow what they want, things are good...however the moment that something goes wrong, if they don't know how to handle you, you are kicked out the door. I have often felt that friendships were pretty frail at our church. . Because we have lived in a little box for the last 6 years, and our friends are friends from church. We stopped going to church, and we lost or it feels like we have lost some of our friends. I can not help but just want to get out side the box and meet people. I have done it before. Camp Rehoboth, Simonhouse Bible Camp, moving to Ontario, I am willing to go the distance, but it is scary, especially for my husband who has never really been out side the box for longer then a week or two his entire life. We are however afraid, if when the time comes that we need more then fair weather friends, around us, that there won't be any to help us stand.
Friendship goes both ways I know. I have not been the greatest of friend, but I don't know how, I feel like a peice of dutch cheese, that is sliced so thin. It has been a long time since I have felt peace with my situation, my name litterally means smalled winged one. I have always been one that loves to fly here and fly there, I hate being tied down to tradition, ritual, it cages up my free spirit.
I want to live like there is no tomorrow, to love like there is no bounds, but I need to learn how.

I am broken and beautiful.

I heard this song this morning on my way home from the dentist. " I am broken and beautiful"-Mark Shultz. It got me thinking...it seems I have been doing a lot of that lately it would just be nice to sleep instead of think. But with the circumstances that I am finding myself in, I am broken, because of infertility, because of the loss of loved ones, and now with a decision that my church has made with regards to my involvement in the Gems program has left my already broken heart more distressed. I was thinkin the other night at 3 in the morning through my tears that I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unworthy of friendships, and unworthy of Gods Grace.
But this song hit me like a ton of bricks. I am broken down, and people don't have to believe in me, or reach out to me, but God does both. And even in my broken state. I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!
I have been very bitter over the matters of my life, I am completely frusterated with my church community, with fertility treatments and the quest to find God's will for my life. I have often felt that I need to go where I can serve my God with out the judgement of my emotional pain as being unreasonable. To be honest, if you have never walked through infertility then you have no idea, or any right to tell me how I should be feeling. Those others (I talk about), being a community that is suppose to guide and help, encourage, and lift up in prayer, but also warn, but that is not the focus of a body of believers, at least that is how I see it.
I have not gone to church for a while, not because I don't always like the music or the preaching, I will admit that this is true, but that is not the reason that I don't go to church much lately. I don't go because I have to deal with the reality of my situation, I am alone in a crowded room, I can't talk about being pregnant beyond 9 weeks and so many of my friends can, I can't talk about babies or family life, with out loosing it 2 minutes out side the church parking lot.
The other reason, God is allowing me to face this hardship to break me down so that I will do his will with out putting mine first, and loosing what God wants for me. It is a process, and despite knowing this I still have to live with the reality of the pain, and apparently this not understood by my family at times, my friends, and my community of Believers.
I am struggling with my faith, I will gladly admit that because I think that is exactly where I need to be. I feel that I am being put out side the door because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I won't BS my way. I will not put on this Happy face for the community, when I am not happy.
When I am Happy you will know it, when I am not you will also know it. I feel that Jesus was much the same, when he was happy he was filled with Joy and when he was in sorrow, he wept.
I am Angry because I don't always see God's goodness in my life. But if you look at the suffering of Job, he was not always a happy camper in his suffering but his faith remained in his Savior, do you think we could have asked him to just put his suffering away for a while, and put on a smile. I don't think so.
I am now angry at the decision that certian individuals made because they don't know where I have come from nor have they seen or felt the Grace of God that has been previalant in MY life through out. I think thier decision is wrong, judgemental, and and uncalled for...If these people at in my church community had such a problem with me, it would have been nice to know before I became a blubbering, very sad, and hurt person. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!
I am broken and I need help, but where will it come from...it won't always come from those around me, no, it will come from my God. Who says...Nothing can seperate me from him..NOTHING!!

I am broken, and Beautiful, Thanks be to God.

It is Just not fair...Goodbye Dan for a while!

This past week our lives changed and we will never be the same again. On Sunday June 28th, Lisa my sister in law(19) and her boyfriend Daniel Triebner(23) were on their way to church. They Lost control of the truck that they were driving and had a head on collision with a very big tree.
As they were trapped in the truck, neighbours came out to rescue them, they both had to be cut out of the truck with the Jaws of life. Lisa suffered a broken Leg, ribs, Cuts and scrapes. Dan suffered much more, 2 broken femers, broken tail bone, broken hand, shattered tib/fib and foot, broken jaw and pelvis. Dan died later that evening from complications of his injuries during surgery. However when he arrived at the hospital Dan was concious and knew where he was, and what had happened.
The day prior to this happening our Parents had left for Europe, and they returned home as fast as possible, but in the mean time, us siblings had to band together and be strong for each other and Lisa as well as Dan. Lisa also had surgery that night for her leg, she is now at home recovering. The emotional pain left at times out wieghs the Physical pain for lisa, our family as well as Dan's family have been devastated. Dan has been living and working every day with our family for the last 2 months, and there is an empty hole left in our hearts, and we must pick up the peices and do our best to move forward.
I got to know Dan very well over the course of the renovation in our home, and he will be forever missed. I will write more, when my heart calms and I can think of Who Dan really was to me!

New News!

So this past week has been a bit of a whirl wind, and we have found our selves in the midst of something completely new. We are now the owner of 4 retired race horses, that are now breeding mares. Hip Hop Best, Top Time Jessica, Stonebridge Cameo, Sparkies Grin are the new members to the Family. All four will hopefully be foalling in the Spring of 2010. Last Night we went to the Horse races and this week I will be attending a Halter Class where new foals get thier halter for the first time. We are both very overwhelmed with all the information that we have been recieveing, but we are both very excited. I have a childhood dream becoming a reality. We have much work to do, as they will arrive on our farm hopefully October, once the foals that they have now are weaned. This is a whole new world and we have so much to learn about every thing, but for the first time in 5 years of marriage we have something to be really excited about, something that we can do together as a married couple. Should be an interesting summer. It is amazing how things can change in a matter of days.

WARNING!!! Under Construction!!

Over the past few years we have found ourselves in various struggles of life, loosing loved ones, cancer has been a frequent word in our home, we have had our share of hard times. We have laughed together, cried together, got mad together and travelled together. But having a house under construction, makes all the stuff of life come to the surface. We have found that our relationship is also under construction. This summer we will be married for 5 years, we have found out that marriage is hard work, it is worth it, but it is not easy. When you compound infertility, family struggles, depression, and a unwanted reno, it really starts to wear down the heart. We have found ourselves soul searching deep in the kackles of our inner most being. We have never had to dig down this deep before, and it is taking alot out of us to just keep on going, to keep living really living.
I know that we are suppose to find this peace that passes all understanding, but I ain't feeling it. I am angry, frusterated, sad. I should not feel this way, I am 25 with a good life ahead of me, but right now it is so hard sometimes to even think about getting through the next 5 minutes. I have not been able to go church in a long time, my faith is not in doubt, but rather my faith is under construction, my doubt is in the people I had trusted with my faith life. When I never should have trusted them in the first place, that is God's department. People have let me down when I needed them the most, I have failed them, for I am to weak, to self centered. Like I said I am under construction. We ( Tom and I ) are still under construction, we are still hoping and praying for a child. The journey to get there is just so hard.
The frieght train keeps right on rolling by, and we just sit and wave goodbye. Hoping it will stop to pick us up soon.

For now we will live in the Construction Zone, all is exposed, all framing, Plumbing and flooring. The best is yet to come, but the work must be put in to see the final beautiful result.