When people talk about God moments and what they mean to them, I believe that they are real, I believe that God will use whatever means he decides to use to get your attention. Since loosing my mom, I dove into my shell, and have hidden my broken heart from the world. I lost more then just my mom that day, I lost my bestfriend, my faith guide, and my shoulder to cry on. But I have not really dealt with her loss, or the loss of 6 embryo's, I just shut it down, and I only cry in the silence of the dark, and smile at the people on the street. I fight with God in my mind, and at church I praise him, or do I really?
I was reading my mom's journal again, as I do many nights, trying to get something out of it, an inspiration, a peice of her maybe. I just want to hear her voice, telling me it's gonna be ok. The other night I was laying in bed, I was reading and I just started crying, I don't know what others believe and I don't really care, but it was like my mom standing right there, in her journal she had written that she had read Psalm 118, and so I read it. "BAM".
I looked at my heart, and know I can't keep living like this, I can't, I need to come alive again. I feel dead, from a faith point of view, I once knew what being alive felt like, but I don't feel that now, and that has been since my mom suffered so much, and watching it and then watching her die, took everything out of me. I have a "Baby JoY" in front of me, I have a hope in a God of love who died for me, and God has gone to battle for me, now I need to join him again.
I laid there the other night, and had a conversation with her, and told her I miss her so much, and she said that she was fine, and it was beautiful. She told me that I needed to trust God, and his plan for my life. We talked about my tears, that I can't keep them in anymore, I need to heal, I need to move forward. She told me her suffering is no more, I could not see her, but I could hear her voice, and feel her presence, I have never felt like that before. My tears dried and I finally drifted off to sleep. Call me Crazy, I won't Care, I don't think we understand the spiritual world, so I am not going to explain, but it was exactly what I needed.
My mom had friends that were like sisters to her, and they reached out their arms to me after my mom died and closed my heart to them, because call it childish, I wanted to talk to my mom. No one else can replace her, or even come close. I need to stop that, because, God has placed them in my life for a reason, and her's they might be able to tell me more about my mom then anyone else. I am still healing, and that may take a lifetime to heal, but its one day closer to seeing her again. I know that God is trying to break down the walls that I have put up, all the exuses that I throw in his face as to why I don't trust him. If you read this, can you please pray for me, that I would give every moment of everyday to Christ, to my husband and to my daughter.
I feel a stirs in the depths of my soul...Healing has begun.
I was reading my mom's journal again, as I do many nights, trying to get something out of it, an inspiration, a peice of her maybe. I just want to hear her voice, telling me it's gonna be ok. The other night I was laying in bed, I was reading and I just started crying, I don't know what others believe and I don't really care, but it was like my mom standing right there, in her journal she had written that she had read Psalm 118, and so I read it. "BAM".
I looked at my heart, and know I can't keep living like this, I can't, I need to come alive again. I feel dead, from a faith point of view, I once knew what being alive felt like, but I don't feel that now, and that has been since my mom suffered so much, and watching it and then watching her die, took everything out of me. I have a "Baby JoY" in front of me, I have a hope in a God of love who died for me, and God has gone to battle for me, now I need to join him again.
I laid there the other night, and had a conversation with her, and told her I miss her so much, and she said that she was fine, and it was beautiful. She told me that I needed to trust God, and his plan for my life. We talked about my tears, that I can't keep them in anymore, I need to heal, I need to move forward. She told me her suffering is no more, I could not see her, but I could hear her voice, and feel her presence, I have never felt like that before. My tears dried and I finally drifted off to sleep. Call me Crazy, I won't Care, I don't think we understand the spiritual world, so I am not going to explain, but it was exactly what I needed.
My mom had friends that were like sisters to her, and they reached out their arms to me after my mom died and closed my heart to them, because call it childish, I wanted to talk to my mom. No one else can replace her, or even come close. I need to stop that, because, God has placed them in my life for a reason, and her's they might be able to tell me more about my mom then anyone else. I am still healing, and that may take a lifetime to heal, but its one day closer to seeing her again. I know that God is trying to break down the walls that I have put up, all the exuses that I throw in his face as to why I don't trust him. If you read this, can you please pray for me, that I would give every moment of everyday to Christ, to my husband and to my daughter.
I feel a stirs in the depths of my soul...Healing has begun.
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