More Loss!

So on October 18th, 2011, Tom and I were going to have 2 embryo's from the 7 we had remaining, transfered. However on the day of the Transfer they told us that it had taken 6 embryos to get 2 good ones, leaving one lone embryo frozen. But we did transfer 2 and then the 18 days of waiting began. This has to be the longest 18 days x2 that we have ever had to wait, it is brutal. On November 2nd, we went for a blood test to see whether or not we were expecting. Fully expecting to hear good news we were purely devastated to hear that we were not pregnant. The last embryo that we have is not of great quality and this now leaves us, knowing that to make it worth while, we will most likely have to IVF all over again. All the drugs, all the money and all the physical BULLSHIT...(Yes I said it) Again if we want to grow our family. I am feeling so angry...furious actually. Now what? after all we have been through we have to go through this all again. Mind you Victoria was worth every bit of it, but I am also so sad that we lost 6 babies. The medical world might not call them babies, but we do. If they are not then neither was Tori, and well, she is certainly my baby and was from conception. It makes me sick, to be honest I have tried not thinking about it...and well that has not worked as the emotions have begun to build. And to make it all worse, I am being pressured now about not attending church very regularly in the last year...and frankly....F%ck off!! Church does nothing for me right now, I don't feel anything when I go, maybe I choose not to feel anything because then it does not hurt so much. "You need to be part of a community" Yup one that hears of bad news and does nothing, the one that never asks How I am really doing...right....community! Maybe my expectations are to high, I don't know...I think I am just to pissed off at the bad in my life to notice the good people around me. My husband and my daughter are my life, and for that I am grateful, and thankful, but I am having trouble wanting to trust. My God has failed me, my church has failed me, my body has failed me, and now I feel that because I didn't go to church this morning...or this afternoon, that I am not a good enough person, that if I go to church all will feel better, like the Lords supper will wash away this pain, my stains may be gone, but the blood and broken pieces of my heart will still be there tomorrow. Here I face infertility with more pain and Loss then ever, and yet I have a child. I am suppose to be truly grateful, and I am but I don't know how I am ever suppose to put loosing 8 babies in total to rest, when the world of infertility still surrounds me, and the longing of my inmost heart to carry a child again is still there. I am wishing with all my being that my mother was here, to help me to carry this load, to give me the inspirations and insight of what God has planned for me...all I see is Haze. Literally as my eyes fill up with tears. Where is my God? Why has he allowed such Nightmares to by my reality? Why can't people give me grace space and not judge this broken heart? The loss is to much, to much.....