For weeks I have been trying to get the right words out... I try to tell my in most thoughts, however it seems to come out as a jumbled up mess. What is it that my heart is feeling.
UTmost, and entirely lonely. I guess I could say that I am just at a loss. The sad reality is, I have nothing really to say. People don't know how to respond to me any more, they don't know what to say, or how to comfort me. I guess that is because I suffer from a disease that is relentless, to leave your heart alone, it nags at it. Day after day...it throbs, and I am left with the tear stains left on my pillow. I want to pray, but I am to exhusted to really see him, I am to mad to write good things, and I am to sad that I don't even know what being happy is anymore.
The worse it gets the further people run from me, afraid that I might snap, or something.
I have trouble handling life on its own, and to add, all the hardships that we are currently facing, to be 3000km from my mom, dad and brothers, to not know what my future holds, not even an Idea of what is to come next. I am so weary, and I have no human comfort, no one can give me a hug and it will go away. It is always there Haunting me, relentless to let me go free even to sleep.
The pain greets me in the morning when I wake and I find myself, to be with out a child, but my dreams are filled with laughter, little feet, and song. I find it hard to sing now, most of the time I just don't want to anymore. For what am I singing?
I want people to understand, what 4 years of this is like, how wearing it is on the soul, marriage and heart. I want people to see that I am human, I am broken, I am not going to put on a happy face, because that would be a lie. I am who I am by the Grace of God.
Right now, I am at the bottom, I can't go down much more, before I become a waste land, with nothing left. Nothing at all.
Words....are they good enough....?? No. Because I can not find words that discribe how I feel.
How do I get through this with out loosing my mind?
I pray from the very depths of my soul....How Long oh Lord, How long???
My very essense crys to him, I beg him. Please PLease PLease. Tell me how long.
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