Needing to dig deep

lately I will admit, I thought I was doing ok, but I realized something. I hit the anger stage head on, Oh....I am mad.....no.....PISSED right off. I find myself lost in an emotion that I seem to be all to familiar with. Over the course of infertility I found myself lost in anger. My poor husband has been at the brunt of it. I am mad at God, mad that I have to live life with out my mom. Our dream of having a baby was not just ours, but a dream of our parents as well, and I am mad that mom only got to have that dream for 2 months, and by the time I got to mom, she could barely hold Tori, this ripped my heart into, and it keeps me awake. I lay in my bed at night and I get upset, that mom had to suffer so much, and I get lost in my thoughts of what I would do, if I could have changed it. I am mad that I am even thinking that way. I guess this is just the stage that I am at, not one that I plan on staying at for long, it is hard on the heart and even harder on my body and those around me as well. I find it hard, really hard to worship God right now, I don't understand why he didn't heal my mom. Mom worried about what would happen to those around her who prayed so hard for mom to be healed, she wondered what people would do if she did die, how would they react...well...Not great at least that is my personal opinion today. Tomorrow may be different. I could not image my life with out my mom, and now I don't have to image it....I am living it. It makes mad, sad, pissed, grumpy uncooperative, and most of all very very leary of trusting. It is hard to know what tomorrow will bring and I hope it will bring more hope, and a desire to get happy, and learn to live with out mom. Going to church, I dread it, going back to Alberta now that things have settled down...it makes my heart sink. Could I just for a moment pretend that everything is alright...nope.....well here's to a better tomorrow!