Our Journey Continues.

Our Journey through infertility has brought us through every treatment, (almost) availiable, and yet this does not solve the problem of waiting. I often have wondered why God has allowed us to go through so much. But then I remember my book, I once said to Tom, that my book is not finished till I have a baby(ies) in my arms. Then a new book with have to start. But until then it has been a roller coaster experience and continues to be. The hardest part of it all is the times in between treatments, where the days turn into weeks and church, and friends become less of a priority, not that we don't want to hang out with them, it is just easier not to. I don't know what friends think of me, I don't think I want to know. What thier opinion of me is...is entirely up to them at the moment. I just ask for thier patience, love and support, and grace space.

As far as the church thing goes, we really have found it difficult to begin to search for a new family of believers. It is a really sore spot in my heart, because personally, I know exactly what I want to do...but I am married, and my husbands needs, opinions and desires, matter to me just as much as my own. Here is the thing, I am a rebel. I will admit that, but it runs in my blood, I am not a religious traditionalist. I believe in the holy Spirit, who moves among us, and will guide you if you let it. I believe in not shutting out spur of the moment things, as long as they do not go against the biblical teachings of Christ. I really don't know what to think right now, because I feel that our church community is a fair weather community, when they are good, and you follow what they want, things are good...however the moment that something goes wrong, if they don't know how to handle you, you are kicked out the door. I have often felt that friendships were pretty frail at our church. . Because we have lived in a little box for the last 6 years, and our friends are friends from church. We stopped going to church, and we lost or it feels like we have lost some of our friends. I can not help but just want to get out side the box and meet people. I have done it before. Camp Rehoboth, Simonhouse Bible Camp, moving to Ontario, I am willing to go the distance, but it is scary, especially for my husband who has never really been out side the box for longer then a week or two his entire life. We are however afraid, if when the time comes that we need more then fair weather friends, around us, that there won't be any to help us stand.
Friendship goes both ways I know. I have not been the greatest of friend, but I don't know how, I feel like a peice of dutch cheese, that is sliced so thin. It has been a long time since I have felt peace with my situation, my name litterally means smalled winged one. I have always been one that loves to fly here and fly there, I hate being tied down to tradition, ritual, it cages up my free spirit.
I want to live like there is no tomorrow, to love like there is no bounds, but I need to learn how.