I am broken and beautiful.

I heard this song this morning on my way home from the dentist. " I am broken and beautiful"-Mark Shultz. It got me thinking...it seems I have been doing a lot of that lately it would just be nice to sleep instead of think. But with the circumstances that I am finding myself in, I am broken, because of infertility, because of the loss of loved ones, and now with a decision that my church has made with regards to my involvement in the Gems program has left my already broken heart more distressed. I was thinkin the other night at 3 in the morning through my tears that I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unworthy of friendships, and unworthy of Gods Grace.
But this song hit me like a ton of bricks. I am broken down, and people don't have to believe in me, or reach out to me, but God does both. And even in my broken state. I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!
I have been very bitter over the matters of my life, I am completely frusterated with my church community, with fertility treatments and the quest to find God's will for my life. I have often felt that I need to go where I can serve my God with out the judgement of my emotional pain as being unreasonable. To be honest, if you have never walked through infertility then you have no idea, or any right to tell me how I should be feeling. Those others (I talk about), being a community that is suppose to guide and help, encourage, and lift up in prayer, but also warn, but that is not the focus of a body of believers, at least that is how I see it.
I have not gone to church for a while, not because I don't always like the music or the preaching, I will admit that this is true, but that is not the reason that I don't go to church much lately. I don't go because I have to deal with the reality of my situation, I am alone in a crowded room, I can't talk about being pregnant beyond 9 weeks and so many of my friends can, I can't talk about babies or family life, with out loosing it 2 minutes out side the church parking lot.
The other reason, God is allowing me to face this hardship to break me down so that I will do his will with out putting mine first, and loosing what God wants for me. It is a process, and despite knowing this I still have to live with the reality of the pain, and apparently this not understood by my family at times, my friends, and my community of Believers.
I am struggling with my faith, I will gladly admit that because I think that is exactly where I need to be. I feel that I am being put out side the door because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I won't BS my way. I will not put on this Happy face for the community, when I am not happy.
When I am Happy you will know it, when I am not you will also know it. I feel that Jesus was much the same, when he was happy he was filled with Joy and when he was in sorrow, he wept.
I am Angry because I don't always see God's goodness in my life. But if you look at the suffering of Job, he was not always a happy camper in his suffering but his faith remained in his Savior, do you think we could have asked him to just put his suffering away for a while, and put on a smile. I don't think so.
I am now angry at the decision that certian individuals made because they don't know where I have come from nor have they seen or felt the Grace of God that has been previalant in MY life through out. I think thier decision is wrong, judgemental, and and uncalled for...If these people at in my church community had such a problem with me, it would have been nice to know before I became a blubbering, very sad, and hurt person. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!
I am broken and I need help, but where will it come from...it won't always come from those around me, no, it will come from my God. Who says...Nothing can seperate me from him..NOTHING!!

I am broken, and Beautiful, Thanks be to God.