Over the past few years we have found ourselves in various struggles of life, loosing loved ones, cancer has been a frequent word in our home, we have had our share of hard times. We have laughed together, cried together, got mad together and travelled together. But having a house under construction, makes all the stuff of life come to the surface. We have found that our relationship is also under construction. This summer we will be married for 5 years, we have found out that marriage is hard work, it is worth it, but it is not easy. When you compound infertility, family struggles, depression, and a unwanted reno, it really starts to wear down the heart. We have found ourselves soul searching deep in the kackles of our inner most being. We have never had to dig down this deep before, and it is taking alot out of us to just keep on going, to keep living really living.
I know that we are suppose to find this peace that passes all understanding, but I ain't feeling it. I am angry, frusterated, sad. I should not feel this way, I am 25 with a good life ahead of me, but right now it is so hard sometimes to even think about getting through the next 5 minutes. I have not been able to go church in a long time, my faith is not in doubt, but rather my faith is under construction, my doubt is in the people I had trusted with my faith life. When I never should have trusted them in the first place, that is God's department. People have let me down when I needed them the most, I have failed them, for I am to weak, to self centered. Like I said I am under construction. We ( Tom and I ) are still under construction, we are still hoping and praying for a child. The journey to get there is just so hard.
The frieght train keeps right on rolling by, and we just sit and wave goodbye. Hoping it will stop to pick us up soon.
For now we will live in the Construction Zone, all is exposed, all framing, Plumbing and flooring. The best is yet to come, but the work must be put in to see the final beautiful result.
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