Bawling!!

Nothing left.......??
Ever cried so hard that you became so physically exhusted that you can do nothing but sleep.
Ever looked so hard in the mirror begging God to hear your cries.
Ever look into the eyes of someone who is experiencing true joy, and you are the furthest away from that Word, that feeling.
Hell would be discribed well, in the word infertility. When there is no relief, there is no cure, there is no release, there is no end in heart ache, your body, and soul cry out from its very depths, and no one can hear it. You are alone, in a terrifying place, you watch others reaching for the heavenly Godly part of life, parenthood. And you who suffer from this unrelenting Disease, lay dying, wasting away, what is grace, when you have given in all up and nothing comes to your aid.
I hate it when people who have never been through this tell you it will be alright....What the hell do they know. Nothing. Or the best is when people tell you to not think about it...WHATEVER!! 3 years and 6 months, it has not left my mind, it has not left me alone, and how the hell can I not think about it when I know personally 25 women that are pregnant. We have tried every position that could possibly enhance the chances of getting pregnant, I have been through hell and back again. Ever known the feeling of true heart break....the kind where it actually breaks. Where the ability to live is sucked out, and there is nothing but dry bones left. Ever been there....???? I sure have and am.
Down in the fricken basement, locked up.........trapped.......................
What the Hell do I do next..................?????????????

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH!!!

I have had enough, enough struggles, enough pain, enough sorrow, enough.
Give me some Dam Happiness!!!
3 this week, that I have found out that they are pregnant, 4 baby's born this week. When is it my turn. I have begged, pleaded, tried to play content, lived, worked and cared for my house, have have 2 empty rooms, a very broken heart. I don't know just how much more I can take. Life does not look that Appealing when everything that you have wanted in life is happening to everyone else, and not me.
Call me selfish, I don't give a shit. I am suppose to be happy, But I am not. I fake it, pretending to be interested. If I could fly to the moon, so I did not have to see anyone, I do not have to have sex. I hate pretending to be happy and the Bawling my eyes out for hours at a time. , I know parenthood is not perfect, and i want the imperfection. I want that craziness...life is to dam perfect, we have the house, and marriage and the family, we got it all.....But one thing.
I am mad.
Mad at God, mad at me for being fat, mad at the world.
Mad at Satan. Furious that I feel the way I feel.
Waiting......waiting......waiting......Dying.....dying......dying.........When is enough, enough.....