Being free

My uncle recently came to visit me, and while we were visiting we talked a lot about church, and how wounded I felt, and how I felt trapped under tradition, and ritual. So he told me this story and I think he hit it on the nail.

It was Johnny's first day of school, the teacher walked around and handed out a sheet of paper to everyone, and said "we are going to draw a picture today". So Johnny took out his new crayons, and began to draw a dragon and a knight. The teacher then said, "we are going to draw flowers"
Johnny quickly turned over his paper, and began to draw flowers, purple ones, and red ones and blackones. All different. Then the teacher said, I want you to draw one flower, color the pedals yellow the center red, and the stem green and there needs to be one leaf, you need to color that green as well. Now Johnny was very embarassed, he had to raise his hand and get a new sheet of paper. Johnny drew one flower with yellow pedals, a red center, and a green stem with one leaf.

A few years later Johnny had to move, and on his first day of class he had art class, the teacher handed out a sheet of paper and said you may draw anything you want, just draw. Johnny took out a yellow, green, and red crayons. He drew one flower, with yellow pedals, a red center, a green leaf and stem. When the teacher had collected them, she later asked Johnny why he drew a flower, when he could have drawn anything he wanted. Johnny replied " I don't know how to draw anything else".
If we get so caught up in traditions and rituals that have been set for us, we never learn how to do things on our own. If there are always people ie: friends, church elders, family telling us how to do things and the way that we should do them, the gifts that God gave us may end up not being used the way that they could. Some rules are good, entirely. I strongly believe that each child of God has something to offer to the King of Kings, but they often need to figure out what that gift is on thier own through the spirit teaching them, moving them. We all have the image of God in us, don't snuff it out for someone else because they are different or have a different way of finding thier identity in Christ.
I thank my Uncle Eric for his advice, concern, and love!!

Our Journey Continues.

Our Journey through infertility has brought us through every treatment, (almost) availiable, and yet this does not solve the problem of waiting. I often have wondered why God has allowed us to go through so much. But then I remember my book, I once said to Tom, that my book is not finished till I have a baby(ies) in my arms. Then a new book with have to start. But until then it has been a roller coaster experience and continues to be. The hardest part of it all is the times in between treatments, where the days turn into weeks and church, and friends become less of a priority, not that we don't want to hang out with them, it is just easier not to. I don't know what friends think of me, I don't think I want to know. What thier opinion of me is...is entirely up to them at the moment. I just ask for thier patience, love and support, and grace space.

As far as the church thing goes, we really have found it difficult to begin to search for a new family of believers. It is a really sore spot in my heart, because personally, I know exactly what I want to do...but I am married, and my husbands needs, opinions and desires, matter to me just as much as my own. Here is the thing, I am a rebel. I will admit that, but it runs in my blood, I am not a religious traditionalist. I believe in the holy Spirit, who moves among us, and will guide you if you let it. I believe in not shutting out spur of the moment things, as long as they do not go against the biblical teachings of Christ. I really don't know what to think right now, because I feel that our church community is a fair weather community, when they are good, and you follow what they want, things are good...however the moment that something goes wrong, if they don't know how to handle you, you are kicked out the door. I have often felt that friendships were pretty frail at our church. . Because we have lived in a little box for the last 6 years, and our friends are friends from church. We stopped going to church, and we lost or it feels like we have lost some of our friends. I can not help but just want to get out side the box and meet people. I have done it before. Camp Rehoboth, Simonhouse Bible Camp, moving to Ontario, I am willing to go the distance, but it is scary, especially for my husband who has never really been out side the box for longer then a week or two his entire life. We are however afraid, if when the time comes that we need more then fair weather friends, around us, that there won't be any to help us stand.
Friendship goes both ways I know. I have not been the greatest of friend, but I don't know how, I feel like a peice of dutch cheese, that is sliced so thin. It has been a long time since I have felt peace with my situation, my name litterally means smalled winged one. I have always been one that loves to fly here and fly there, I hate being tied down to tradition, ritual, it cages up my free spirit.
I want to live like there is no tomorrow, to love like there is no bounds, but I need to learn how.