Hup 2, 3, 4....

I recently read a of comment on my last post... for one, I am not on a suicide watch and I have no plans what so ever of ending this life anytime soon... two...who are you? and three, WTF?

I have lots to be thankful for, Yes your right, but I have alot of crap in my life too, and this blog is a venting place, don't like what I write, To bad....:p

Life moves on and the emotions are the rollercoaster of life, For the most part I really enjoy my life, However the last few years have thrown me for a total loop, and I find myself in unknown emotional territory, with the birth of my daughter and then with the loss of my mother at the age of 48 to Horrific liver cancer, I think I am allowed to be a little sad every once in awhile...So to those who didn't like my post....kiss my fine Canadian Ass...thank you very much....

Now on to the happenings of my life...We recently went on a family Vacation with 15 family members, to Mexico...We had a great time, it was amazing to see my daughter take in everything around her. I doubt she will remember this, but I sure will. Her curiosity and love of people warmed the hearts of all the people she said Hi to.

She loved the Gulf of Mexico and the pool, and if she could she would just love to dive in on her own. No fear in this child. She loved the sand, and buckets and shovels taht we gave her, she was loving it all. At the end of everyday she would go to sleep so easy, she was just beat at the end of everyday. Since coming home she still goes to be so easy...This is a positive trend.

Her mommy and daddy really like it very much!! Tom and I enjoyed our time in Mexico very much. although the beds were horrible and pillows were worse, but the resort was beautiful, and the company was good too...and the drinks were fabulous!! I was ready for my own bed, but I could lap up the tropics for much longer!

I love the tropics, there is nothing like it. The sounds of the sea, and fish that would come right up and nibble on your heels, totally amazing. However I could have done with less pregnant women to look at...perhaps we sat in a NOT so good location to avoid seeing them, at the kiddy pool. My sister inlaw is pregger and they were there, and it nearly kills me, but I deal with it, and try my best to stay positive, as this is a great joy for them as well....back to Mexico...There were weddings all over the place, makes me wish that I had eloped...or got married in the tropics...This resort was very nice, and the food was good too, most of the time. The kids I think really enjoyed it and fun was had by all. It was Fabuloso!!

We had it all planned out to try to make a Mexico baby, however this did not happen, and so back to the grind of things once again now that we are home.

My Grandmother and my dad came for a visit 2 days after we got back, for a week. Kind of dawned on me that each time I see my grandmother it could be the last. Hard to take, as life does move on, and I wanted to take every advantage to spend time with her, but I was sick with an intestinal bug all week...I felt like CRAP! I was so tired all the time, and my gutts hurt so bad, and the constant rumblings and runs to the can....sucked. Oh well, we did play some rummy!!

I always like having my dad around, he seems to entertian himself and figure it out.

I am on a journey to loose some serious wieght to help with the getting pregnant adventure, and so is Tom, this is a HUGE deal for me as everyday it is a struggle for me to stay focused on that, instead of being focused on baby #2 making. I want it as more pregnancy's are becoming known.

It is a Battle.

But Keeping on Marching...Hup 2, 3, 4.

More Loss!

So on October 18th, 2011, Tom and I were going to have 2 embryo's from the 7 we had remaining, transfered. However on the day of the Transfer they told us that it had taken 6 embryos to get 2 good ones, leaving one lone embryo frozen. But we did transfer 2 and then the 18 days of waiting began. This has to be the longest 18 days x2 that we have ever had to wait, it is brutal. On November 2nd, we went for a blood test to see whether or not we were expecting. Fully expecting to hear good news we were purely devastated to hear that we were not pregnant. The last embryo that we have is not of great quality and this now leaves us, knowing that to make it worth while, we will most likely have to IVF all over again. All the drugs, all the money and all the physical BULLSHIT...(Yes I said it) Again if we want to grow our family. I am feeling so angry...furious actually. Now what? after all we have been through we have to go through this all again. Mind you Victoria was worth every bit of it, but I am also so sad that we lost 6 babies. The medical world might not call them babies, but we do. If they are not then neither was Tori, and well, she is certainly my baby and was from conception. It makes me sick, to be honest I have tried not thinking about it...and well that has not worked as the emotions have begun to build. And to make it all worse, I am being pressured now about not attending church very regularly in the last year...and frankly....F%ck off!! Church does nothing for me right now, I don't feel anything when I go, maybe I choose not to feel anything because then it does not hurt so much. "You need to be part of a community" Yup one that hears of bad news and does nothing, the one that never asks How I am really doing...right....community! Maybe my expectations are to high, I don't know...I think I am just to pissed off at the bad in my life to notice the good people around me. My husband and my daughter are my life, and for that I am grateful, and thankful, but I am having trouble wanting to trust. My God has failed me, my church has failed me, my body has failed me, and now I feel that because I didn't go to church this morning...or this afternoon, that I am not a good enough person, that if I go to church all will feel better, like the Lords supper will wash away this pain, my stains may be gone, but the blood and broken pieces of my heart will still be there tomorrow. Here I face infertility with more pain and Loss then ever, and yet I have a child. I am suppose to be truly grateful, and I am but I don't know how I am ever suppose to put loosing 8 babies in total to rest, when the world of infertility still surrounds me, and the longing of my inmost heart to carry a child again is still there. I am wishing with all my being that my mother was here, to help me to carry this load, to give me the inspirations and insight of what God has planned for me...all I see is Haze. Literally as my eyes fill up with tears. Where is my God? Why has he allowed such Nightmares to by my reality? Why can't people give me grace space and not judge this broken heart? The loss is to much, to much.....

Walk on the water by Britt Nicole (With lyrics)

Right now this discribes my life very well. What I long for.

Needing to dig deep

lately I will admit, I thought I was doing ok, but I realized something. I hit the anger stage head on, Oh....I am mad.....no.....PISSED right off. I find myself lost in an emotion that I seem to be all to familiar with. Over the course of infertility I found myself lost in anger. My poor husband has been at the brunt of it. I am mad at God, mad that I have to live life with out my mom. Our dream of having a baby was not just ours, but a dream of our parents as well, and I am mad that mom only got to have that dream for 2 months, and by the time I got to mom, she could barely hold Tori, this ripped my heart into, and it keeps me awake. I lay in my bed at night and I get upset, that mom had to suffer so much, and I get lost in my thoughts of what I would do, if I could have changed it. I am mad that I am even thinking that way. I guess this is just the stage that I am at, not one that I plan on staying at for long, it is hard on the heart and even harder on my body and those around me as well. I find it hard, really hard to worship God right now, I don't understand why he didn't heal my mom. Mom worried about what would happen to those around her who prayed so hard for mom to be healed, she wondered what people would do if she did die, how would they react...well...Not great at least that is my personal opinion today. Tomorrow may be different. I could not image my life with out my mom, and now I don't have to image it....I am living it. It makes mad, sad, pissed, grumpy uncooperative, and most of all very very leary of trusting. It is hard to know what tomorrow will bring and I hope it will bring more hope, and a desire to get happy, and learn to live with out mom. Going to church, I dread it, going back to Alberta now that things have settled down...it makes my heart sink. Could I just for a moment pretend that everything is alright...nope.....well here's to a better tomorrow!

Moving on Forward.

8 months have gone by since I kissed my mom goodbye. Tori turned 10months and is creeping up fast on one year....man that went fast....sheesh! Tom's brother got married, finally ;) and we are busy in our garden's, field work, and upkeep around the farm. Tori keeps me hoppin, and I enjoy it most of the time. Tori has been teething for most of her life and I look forward to the day when all her teeth are in. :) that will be wonderful!! YES WONDERFUL!! My little monkey does not like sleeping througn the night so that is a goal we are working towards. Life is ok. I miss my mom oh so terribly, but we keep moving forward. My grandparents have their 50th anniversary coming up, and that will be a tough one with out mom there. We will just have to do our best and enjoy the life that we do have.

God's Blessings!

Alida

Mother's day!

Mother's day was last weekend, I will be honest I was dreading it. It was such a paradox of emotion, I was happy that I was finally a mom, but I was missing my mom so terribly. It is so hard with out her, I have so many things that I want to ask her, to know, to share with. However that was not in cards, and so we must learn to live life with out mom around. Victoria is growing like a weed, and discovering new things all the time. She has changed so much just in a few weeks time. It is so cool to see, I just wish I could show my mom.

Tom got me a beautiful necklace, with Tori's birth stone in it for Mother's Day, totally caught me off guard. :) yeah! for Tom!!

Tori was fairly cranky on mothers day, but she is teething like crazy. We have 3 teeth so far, and 4-6 are on there way!!

What a journey the last 9 months has been....I am so totally loving motherhood!!

Thanks Be to God!!

Spring in the Air

I found myself complaining about the LONG>>>>DRAWN>>>>>>OUT>>>>>WINTER>>> and wanting Spring to spring into action and I started to think about all the Bulbs that are in the ground waiting to poke through. Now to be honest, there are alot more flowers on the rise here in Ontario then Calgary but anyway....back to where I was. Spring. This past few months of cold, winter, yuck; we have have gone dormant, sleeping perhaps. But Spring is coming, it is technically here. Spring is the season of new things, new idea's, just things new.

The sun is rising higher, and the wind is warmer, and the ground is taking off the garment of white, and the cape of green is emerging as the new spring line comes out. I am ready for spring, in more then one way. One is, yes, to rid ourselves of winter for yet another year, and embrace the colors of spring the other is to be made new inside. Through Christ, we are made new. Now I have been a Christian for a long time, and I made that commitment. But I am like the Bulb in the ground. Over the last few months, I have been waiting for the Warmth of the Son to warm this broken heart again. My heart is still aching and I don't think that will ever stop, but what I do know is that, I want grow new shoots and be the vibrant gift that God intended his Children to be.

It is Easter and it is the most important Holiday of the year for a Christian. This is what our very faith is based on. Christ died to so that we may never perish, but have the eternal life. It is what helps to keep me going, knowing that My mom, although gone from this life is still living the heaven's; without cancer!! I choose to be made new, and I will be reminded of this as the bulbs push out of the ground and flower.

God's Blessings!

Alida