SPAM!!!

So I have been receiveing comment on my Blog, that are SPAM!!!   PLEASE KEEP YOUR SPAM OFF MY BLOG!!!! I DON'T NEED NO HAIR DRYER!! I DON'T WANT 1000's of People reading my Blog, and I don't need PENIS ENLARGEMENTS!!  THANKS!!!!

Big Girl adventures.

Today marks a new step, Today Tori climbed out of her crib, first time ever. In 28 months she never even tried till today and she was successful on her first attempt.  Her bed alarm went off and that is how I knew she had escaped.  Walked up stairs and opened the Door and there she is with a shocked look on her face that I caught her, and she says..."I climb out mommy". My reply Yes you did, you show mommy how you did it, I put her in the crib and sure enough she showed me just how she did it.  hmmmmm stinker.
So the crib has been transitioned into the big girl bed. Tonight my baby girl will be sleeping just like a big girl....When did that happen....Oh yeah just today!! 

Growing up

Tori is forever changing and discovering new things all the time. She has recently discovered Dora the explorer and loves watching the show too. Her vocabulary is exploding all the time, and she is talking all the time about everything around her.
She is incredibly stubborn and smart, and is going to give us a run for our money I thinks. She keeps us hoppin and is into everything, but is really starting to use her imagination. It is amazing to watch her grow up every day in some way, Not only is she phyiscally growing and fitting into size 2 of most things. Her brain is always going, even when she is sleeping, she sleep talks and moves around alot, her hair in the morning is evidence of the constant moving...hehe.
She loves to "help" mommy with the dryer and with cooking. She really wants to be in the action all the time, and I can't help but love it most of the time. However when I am cleaning the house, she is following me and has to touch everything I touch, so whatever I just cleaned up is taken out and mommy has to clean it up again.
She loves to sing....who would have thought that would happen....lol.
She loves the play the "Aino" (piano) and loves her daddy. She has gone from not wanting much to do with daddy for while, to being upset when Daddy has to leave for work. Good thing she is usually still sleeping when Daddy leaves for work.
As I am writing this she is dancing to the music on the TV, she loves to dance and excersise if Anyone is working out around her she will join right in and she gets us all rolling. LOVE IT!!
My baby is growing up.

"mommy"

Life as mommy sure has its ups and downs but I do throughly enjoy most of it....Especially when Tori yells "Mommy" from her crib in the morning or after her nap time. I longed so much to have a child yell that out and it being for me...I got it....Now I hear it all the time, and it reminds me of that time, when I begged God for a baby.
Tori means the world to me, and I can't imagine my life with out her. However a break every once in a while has been a true blessing. Tom and I had our first over nighter away from our baby girl. It was faboulous to just have some mommy and daddy time in Grand Bend. We both throughly enjoyed the relaxation.
Tori fills our life with Joy, and just like Nana called her, Baby Joy she is....She is 19 months and starting to talk a blue streak...and recently has learned..."Oh Shit"..... Oh dear, mommy, walk, truck, tractor, baby, go go go...All done, "Baa", Moo", Neeeeeeiiiiiiiighhhh", Grammy, potty, poop.

we have a potty for her, and she is learning the idea of a potty and often brings us to the bathroom to sit on the potty, but it is still a game, hopefully the interest will remain, and we can start the training.
Going out for dinner with Tori, no longer works, and mommy and Tori and all other parties end up frusterated....so we leave Tori at home....with a baby sitter of course.
Life is good.

On a Journey...

Staying focused on one goal at time for me is very difficult, I am not a multi-tasker....I would like to be, but I am not.

I so long to be pregnant again, and as the preggo amount continue to rise around me, I am finding that Pull at my heart, even harder to stand up to. You see I am on a weightloss journey with my husband, and we are both commited to loosing some serious weight, and to do this we are getting a little help through herbal magic....it's working! Tom has lost significantly more then me, however this is "normal" for men to loose it faster....back to why it is struggle to stay focused. While on Herbal magic I should not be getting pregnant, we are however not preventing it as this is pointless...if it happens naturally....Halleujiah, if not...well...ok, we move on to IVF again....eeekk!! $10,000 bucks, plus gas, and parking...And the physical toll on my body, and my hormones, With every IVF that we do, the risk of Breast cancer later in life increases, this is something that I must weigh very heavly as my mom had breast cancer and then died at the age of 48 of colon cancer. Not something I really want to mess, with. We are hoping that with weight loss, and a little extra help we will hopefully, be able to do this on our own, like we did in the beginning of our marriage, which we sadly lost. We have lost a total of 8 embryo's through the course of infertility. Crazy!

Oh yeah..focus....see what I mean....

I need to focus on the loosing wieght which takes time, for hopefully a better return later. I am such a jealous person. It is my down fall, and has left me so often feeling robbed, angry, and in not any better shape. We started on this weight loss journey because I reached that wall....I Hate the way that I look, with a passion. I don't feel sexy, making my sex drive the pits....NOT condusive to making a baby...if you know what I mean. So We embarked on this journey together, and it is not easy...I LOVE FOOD!! More like I love how food makes me feel, it fills a hole in my chest, for a few seconds, then the Oh, SHIT! I should not have eaten that bag of chips, hits, and then I feel crummy about me and the cycle begins, and the weight increased.

Much has to do with me trying to fill the void of my mom being gone. I spend way to many days alone, sad, and snacking...that was till a few weeks ago. Now I try to do anything but eat the required food items, and MUCH MUCH less of the CRAP! I have a long way to go to reach my goal, but seeing all these wonderful pregnant ladies, has put some fire under my ass, to get GOING!!

Dang it, I want to feel good, physically, mentally, sexually, and face my life about 50 pounds lighter....it will not solve all my issues....We all know I have lots, but it will go a long way into helping reach for a better quality of life. One day at a time....one pound at a time too!!

Please pray that I CAN STAY FOCUSED ON THE LONG TERM!!!! Health, and hopefully a new baby, some where in my future.

"BAM"

When people talk about God moments and what they mean to them, I believe that they are real, I believe that God will use whatever means he decides to use to get your attention. Since loosing my mom, I dove into my shell, and have hidden my broken heart from the world. I lost more then just my mom that day, I lost my bestfriend, my faith guide, and my shoulder to cry on. But I have not really dealt with her loss, or the loss of 6 embryo's, I just shut it down, and I only cry in the silence of the dark, and smile at the people on the street. I fight with God in my mind, and at church I praise him, or do I really?
I was reading my mom's journal again, as I do many nights, trying to get something out of it, an inspiration, a peice of her maybe. I just want to hear her voice, telling me it's gonna be ok. The other night I was laying in bed, I was reading and I just started crying, I don't know what others believe and I don't really care, but it was like my mom standing right there, in her journal she had written that she had read Psalm 118, and so I read it. "BAM".
I looked at my heart, and know I can't keep living like this, I can't, I need to come alive again. I feel dead, from a faith point of view, I once knew what being alive felt like, but I don't feel that now, and that has been since my mom suffered so much, and watching it and then watching her die, took everything out of me. I have a "Baby JoY" in front of me, I have a hope in a God of love who died for me, and God has gone to battle for me, now I need to join him again.
I laid there the other night, and had a conversation with her, and told her I miss her so much, and she said that she was fine, and it was beautiful. She told me that I needed to trust God, and his plan for my life. We talked about my tears, that I can't keep them in anymore, I need to heal, I need to move forward. She told me her suffering is no more, I could not see her, but I could hear her voice, and feel her presence, I have never felt like that before. My tears dried and I finally drifted off to sleep. Call me Crazy, I won't Care, I don't think we understand the spiritual world, so I am not going to explain, but it was exactly what I needed.
My mom had friends that were like sisters to her, and they reached out their arms to me after my mom died and closed my heart to them, because call it childish, I wanted to talk to my mom. No one else can replace her, or even come close. I need to stop that, because, God has placed them in my life for a reason, and her's they might be able to tell me more about my mom then anyone else. I am still healing, and that may take a lifetime to heal, but its one day closer to seeing her again. I know that God is trying to break down the walls that I have put up, all the exuses that I throw in his face as to why I don't trust him. If you read this, can you please pray for me, that I would give every moment of everyday to Christ, to my husband and to my daughter.
I feel a stirs in the depths of my soul...Healing has begun.

Victoria Grace Kroesbergen

Tori's Daily adventures!!!