The Kroesbergen's- The trials and Tribulations!

On a Journey...

2012-01-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

Staying focused on one goal at time for me is very difficult, I am not a multi-tasker....I would like to be, but I am not.

I so long to be pregnant again, and as the preggo amount continue to rise around me, I am finding that Pull at my heart, even harder to stand up to. You see I am on a weightloss journey with my husband, and we are both commited to loosing some serious weight, and to do this we are getting a little help through herbal magic....it's working! Tom has lost significantly more then me, however this is "normal" for men to loose it faster....back to why it is struggle to stay focused. While on Herbal magic I should not be getting pregnant, we are however not preventing it as this is pointless...if it happens naturally....Halleujiah, if not...well...ok, we move on to IVF again....eeekk!! $10,000 bucks, plus gas, and parking...And the physical toll on my body, and my hormones, With every IVF that we do, the risk of Breast cancer later in life increases, this is something that I must weigh very heavly as my mom had breast cancer and then died at the age of 48 of colon cancer. Not something I really want to mess, with. We are hoping that with weight loss, and a little extra help we will hopefully, be able to do this on our own, like we did in the beginning of our marriage, which we sadly lost. We have lost a total of 8 embryo's through the course of infertility. Crazy!

Oh yeah..focus....see what I mean....

I need to focus on the loosing wieght which takes time, for hopefully a better return later. I am such a jealous person. It is my down fall, and has left me so often feeling robbed, angry, and in not any better shape. We started on this weight loss journey because I reached that wall....I Hate the way that I look, with a passion. I don't feel sexy, making my sex drive the pits....NOT condusive to making a baby...if you know what I mean. So We embarked on this journey together, and it is not easy...I LOVE FOOD!! More like I love how food makes me feel, it fills a hole in my chest, for a few seconds, then the Oh, SHIT! I should not have eaten that bag of chips, hits, and then I feel crummy about me and the cycle begins, and the weight increased.

Much has to do with me trying to fill the void of my mom being gone. I spend way to many days alone, sad, and snacking...that was till a few weeks ago. Now I try to do anything but eat the required food items, and MUCH MUCH less of the CRAP! I have a long way to go to reach my goal, but seeing all these wonderful pregnant ladies, has put some fire under my ass, to get GOING!!

Dang it, I want to feel good, physically, mentally, sexually, and face my life about 50 pounds lighter....it will not solve all my issues....We all know I have lots, but it will go a long way into helping reach for a better quality of life. One day at a time....one pound at a time too!!

Please pray that I CAN STAY FOCUSED ON THE LONG TERM!!!! Health, and hopefully a new baby, some where in my future.

"BAM"

2012-01-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

When people talk about God moments and what they mean to them, I believe that they are real, I believe that God will use whatever means he decides to use to get your attention. Since loosing my mom, I dove into my shell, and have hidden my broken heart from the world. I lost more then just my mom that day, I lost my bestfriend, my faith guide, and my shoulder to cry on. But I have not really dealt with her loss, or the loss of 6 embryo's, I just shut it down, and I only cry in the silence of the dark, and smile at the people on the street. I fight with God in my mind, and at church I praise him, or do I really?
I was reading my mom's journal again, as I do many nights, trying to get something out of it, an inspiration, a peice of her maybe. I just want to hear her voice, telling me it's gonna be ok. The other night I was laying in bed, I was reading and I just started crying, I don't know what others believe and I don't really care, but it was like my mom standing right there, in her journal she had written that she had read Psalm 118, and so I read it. "BAM".
I looked at my heart, and know I can't keep living like this, I can't, I need to come alive again. I feel dead, from a faith point of view, I once knew what being alive felt like, but I don't feel that now, and that has been since my mom suffered so much, and watching it and then watching her die, took everything out of me. I have a "Baby JoY" in front of me, I have a hope in a God of love who died for me, and God has gone to battle for me, now I need to join him again.
I laid there the other night, and had a conversation with her, and told her I miss her so much, and she said that she was fine, and it was beautiful. She told me that I needed to trust God, and his plan for my life. We talked about my tears, that I can't keep them in anymore, I need to heal, I need to move forward. She told me her suffering is no more, I could not see her, but I could hear her voice, and feel her presence, I have never felt like that before. My tears dried and I finally drifted off to sleep. Call me Crazy, I won't Care, I don't think we understand the spiritual world, so I am not going to explain, but it was exactly what I needed.
My mom had friends that were like sisters to her, and they reached out their arms to me after my mom died and closed my heart to them, because call it childish, I wanted to talk to my mom. No one else can replace her, or even come close. I need to stop that, because, God has placed them in my life for a reason, and her's they might be able to tell me more about my mom then anyone else. I am still healing, and that may take a lifetime to heal, but its one day closer to seeing her again. I know that God is trying to break down the walls that I have put up, all the exuses that I throw in his face as to why I don't trust him. If you read this, can you please pray for me, that I would give every moment of everyday to Christ, to my husband and to my daughter.
I feel a stirs in the depths of my soul...Healing has begun.

Victoria Grace Kroesbergen

2012-01-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

Tori's Daily adventures!!!

Hup 2, 3, 4....

2012-01-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

I recently read a of comment on my last post... for one, I am not on a suicide watch and I have no plans what so ever of ending this life anytime soon... two...who are you? and three, WTF?

I have lots to be thankful for, Yes your right, but I have alot of crap in my life too, and this blog is a venting place, don't like what I write, To bad....:p

Life moves on and the emotions are the rollercoaster of life, For the most part I really enjoy my life, However the last few years have thrown me for a total loop, and I find myself in unknown emotional territory, with the birth of my daughter and then with the loss of my mother at the age of 48 to Horrific liver cancer, I think I am allowed to be a little sad every once in awhile...So to those who didn't like my post....kiss my fine Canadian Ass...thank you very much....

Now on to the happenings of my life...We recently went on a family Vacation with 15 family members, to Mexico...We had a great time, it was amazing to see my daughter take in everything around her. I doubt she will remember this, but I sure will. Her curiosity and love of people warmed the hearts of all the people she said Hi to.

She loved the Gulf of Mexico and the pool, and if she could she would just love to dive in on her own. No fear in this child. She loved the sand, and buckets and shovels taht we gave her, she was loving it all. At the end of everyday she would go to sleep so easy, she was just beat at the end of everyday. Since coming home she still goes to be so easy...This is a positive trend.

Her mommy and daddy really like it very much!! Tom and I enjoyed our time in Mexico very much. although the beds were horrible and pillows were worse, but the resort was beautiful, and the company was good too...and the drinks were fabulous!! I was ready for my own bed, but I could lap up the tropics for much longer!

I love the tropics, there is nothing like it. The sounds of the sea, and fish that would come right up and nibble on your heels, totally amazing. However I could have done with less pregnant women to look at...perhaps we sat in a NOT so good location to avoid seeing them, at the kiddy pool. My sister inlaw is pregger and they were there, and it nearly kills me, but I deal with it, and try my best to stay positive, as this is a great joy for them as well....back to Mexico...There were weddings all over the place, makes me wish that I had eloped...or got married in the tropics...This resort was very nice, and the food was good too, most of the time. The kids I think really enjoyed it and fun was had by all. It was Fabuloso!!

We had it all planned out to try to make a Mexico baby, however this did not happen, and so back to the grind of things once again now that we are home.

My Grandmother and my dad came for a visit 2 days after we got back, for a week. Kind of dawned on me that each time I see my grandmother it could be the last. Hard to take, as life does move on, and I wanted to take every advantage to spend time with her, but I was sick with an intestinal bug all week...I felt like CRAP! I was so tired all the time, and my gutts hurt so bad, and the constant rumblings and runs to the can....sucked. Oh well, we did play some rummy!!

I always like having my dad around, he seems to entertian himself and figure it out.

I am on a journey to loose some serious wieght to help with the getting pregnant adventure, and so is Tom, this is a HUGE deal for me as everyday it is a struggle for me to stay focused on that, instead of being focused on baby #2 making. I want it as more pregnancy's are becoming known.

It is a Battle.

But Keeping on Marching...Hup 2, 3, 4.

More Loss!

2011-11-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

So on October 18th, 2011, Tom and I were going to have 2 embryo's from the 7 we had remaining, transfered. However on the day of the Transfer they told us that it had taken 6 embryos to get 2 good ones, leaving one lone embryo frozen. But we did transfer 2 and then the 18 days of waiting began. This has to be the longest 18 days x2 that we have ever had to wait, it is brutal. On November 2nd, we went for a blood test to see whether or not we were expecting. Fully expecting to hear good news we were purely devastated to hear that we were not pregnant. The last embryo that we have is not of great quality and this now leaves us, knowing that to make it worth while, we will most likely have to IVF all over again. All the drugs, all the money and all the physical BULLSHIT...(Yes I said it) Again if we want to grow our family. I am feeling so angry...furious actually. Now what? after all we have been through we have to go through this all again. Mind you Victoria was worth every bit of it, but I am also so sad that we lost 6 babies. The medical world might not call them babies, but we do. If they are not then neither was Tori, and well, she is certainly my baby and was from conception. It makes me sick, to be honest I have tried not thinking about it...and well that has not worked as the emotions have begun to build. And to make it all worse, I am being pressured now about not attending church very regularly in the last year...and frankly....F%ck off!! Church does nothing for me right now, I don't feel anything when I go, maybe I choose not to feel anything because then it does not hurt so much. "You need to be part of a community" Yup one that hears of bad news and does nothing, the one that never asks How I am really doing...right....community! Maybe my expectations are to high, I don't know...I think I am just to pissed off at the bad in my life to notice the good people around me. My husband and my daughter are my life, and for that I am grateful, and thankful, but I am having trouble wanting to trust. My God has failed me, my church has failed me, my body has failed me, and now I feel that because I didn't go to church this morning...or this afternoon, that I am not a good enough person, that if I go to church all will feel better, like the Lords supper will wash away this pain, my stains may be gone, but the blood and broken pieces of my heart will still be there tomorrow. Here I face infertility with more pain and Loss then ever, and yet I have a child. I am suppose to be truly grateful, and I am but I don't know how I am ever suppose to put loosing 8 babies in total to rest, when the world of infertility still surrounds me, and the longing of my inmost heart to carry a child again is still there. I am wishing with all my being that my mother was here, to help me to carry this load, to give me the inspirations and insight of what God has planned for me...all I see is Haze. Literally as my eyes fill up with tears. Where is my God? Why has he allowed such Nightmares to by my reality? Why can't people give me grace space and not judge this broken heart? The loss is to much, to much.....

Walk on the water by Britt Nicole (With lyrics)

2011-07-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Right now this discribes my life very well. What I long for.

Needing to dig deep

2011-07-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

lately I will admit, I thought I was doing ok, but I realized something. I hit the anger stage head on, Oh....I am mad.....no.....PISSED right off. I find myself lost in an emotion that I seem to be all to familiar with. Over the course of infertility I found myself lost in anger. My poor husband has been at the brunt of it. I am mad at God, mad that I have to live life with out my mom. Our dream of having a baby was not just ours, but a dream of our parents as well, and I am mad that mom only got to have that dream for 2 months, and by the time I got to mom, she could barely hold Tori, this ripped my heart into, and it keeps me awake. I lay in my bed at night and I get upset, that mom had to suffer so much, and I get lost in my thoughts of what I would do, if I could have changed it. I am mad that I am even thinking that way. I guess this is just the stage that I am at, not one that I plan on staying at for long, it is hard on the heart and even harder on my body and those around me as well. I find it hard, really hard to worship God right now, I don't understand why he didn't heal my mom. Mom worried about what would happen to those around her who prayed so hard for mom to be healed, she wondered what people would do if she did die, how would they react...well...Not great at least that is my personal opinion today. Tomorrow may be different. I could not image my life with out my mom, and now I don't have to image it....I am living it. It makes mad, sad, pissed, grumpy uncooperative, and most of all very very leary of trusting. It is hard to know what tomorrow will bring and I hope it will bring more hope, and a desire to get happy, and learn to live with out mom. Going to church, I dread it, going back to Alberta now that things have settled down...it makes my heart sink. Could I just for a moment pretend that everything is alright...nope.....well here's to a better tomorrow!

Moving on Forward.

2011-06-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

8 months have gone by since I kissed my mom goodbye. Tori turned 10months and is creeping up fast on one year....man that went fast....sheesh! Tom's brother got married, finally ;) and we are busy in our garden's, field work, and upkeep around the farm. Tori keeps me hoppin, and I enjoy it most of the time. Tori has been teething for most of her life and I look forward to the day when all her teeth are in. :) that will be wonderful!! YES WONDERFUL!! My little monkey does not like sleeping througn the night so that is a goal we are working towards. Life is ok. I miss my mom oh so terribly, but we keep moving forward. My grandparents have their 50th anniversary coming up, and that will be a tough one with out mom there. We will just have to do our best and enjoy the life that we do have.

God's Blessings!

Alida

Mother's day!

2011-05-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

Mother's day was last weekend, I will be honest I was dreading it. It was such a paradox of emotion, I was happy that I was finally a mom, but I was missing my mom so terribly. It is so hard with out her, I have so many things that I want to ask her, to know, to share with. However that was not in cards, and so we must learn to live life with out mom around. Victoria is growing like a weed, and discovering new things all the time. She has changed so much just in a few weeks time. It is so cool to see, I just wish I could show my mom.

Tom got me a beautiful necklace, with Tori's birth stone in it for Mother's Day, totally caught me off guard. :) yeah! for Tom!!

Tori was fairly cranky on mothers day, but she is teething like crazy. We have 3 teeth so far, and 4-6 are on there way!!

What a journey the last 9 months has been....I am so totally loving motherhood!!

Thanks Be to God!!

Spring in the Air

2011-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I found myself complaining about the LONG>>>>DRAWN>>>>>>OUT>>>>>WINTER>>> and wanting Spring to spring into action and I started to think about all the Bulbs that are in the ground waiting to poke through. Now to be honest, there are alot more flowers on the rise here in Ontario then Calgary but anyway....back to where I was. Spring. This past few months of cold, winter, yuck; we have have gone dormant, sleeping perhaps. But Spring is coming, it is technically here. Spring is the season of new things, new idea's, just things new.

The sun is rising higher, and the wind is warmer, and the ground is taking off the garment of white, and the cape of green is emerging as the new spring line comes out. I am ready for spring, in more then one way. One is, yes, to rid ourselves of winter for yet another year, and embrace the colors of spring the other is to be made new inside. Through Christ, we are made new. Now I have been a Christian for a long time, and I made that commitment. But I am like the Bulb in the ground. Over the last few months, I have been waiting for the Warmth of the Son to warm this broken heart again. My heart is still aching and I don't think that will ever stop, but what I do know is that, I want grow new shoots and be the vibrant gift that God intended his Children to be.

It is Easter and it is the most important Holiday of the year for a Christian. This is what our very faith is based on. Christ died to so that we may never perish, but have the eternal life. It is what helps to keep me going, knowing that My mom, although gone from this life is still living the heaven's; without cancer!! I choose to be made new, and I will be reminded of this as the bulbs push out of the ground and flower.

God's Blessings!

Alida

Life MUST move on.

2011-04-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

It has been over 6 months since my best friend, nurse, and mother left us to be with Jesus. I will tell you that it has not been easy, heart breaking at times. Certian things haunt me, ie: watching my mom suffer, and wishing with my being that something could have been different so that she would not have had to go through that. Things all around me remind me of her, the mall, the chickadee's playing and singing in the yard. Pictures, and other things that catch me off guard. A song at church, my own laugh. When Tori says Na na na... Oh, how I wish she could hear that, so that I could hear her laugh, and see the pride in her face.
I find myself lost in thought so much about it all, especially at night when I lay to sleep, that is when I come under attack from the thoughts of the day, and the should have, could have, would have moments as well. My heart aches for my loved ones as I watch them try to survive day to day as well. There is such a huge void in my life, and I lived 3000km away, I can't imagine how hard it is for my littlest brother phil who was with mom most days. Heart wrenching knowing that mom is going to miss weddings, and birthday's and holidays. Hard to imagine what living out life with out my mom really will be like. Not really sure, I just know right now, in the here and now it is so hard, so lonely, and just plain old "SUCKS".
Life has taken me on such a weary journey, and I am yet to understand why...Those who sow in tears shall reap in Joy. Oh God let there be Joy, My daughter brings me joy, but my heart still aches of loss. I would love to report good news...There is some...Aaron my brother is doing much better. I can't wait for his next visit!!
Life will move on...ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

3 Months today!

2010-11-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well Victoria is now 3 months old, and is growing like a weed. It has been a long time since I have written on this blog, because I was busy writing my mom's blog, and dealing with Life. My mom lost her battle against cancer on October 2, 2010. Tom, Tori and I went to Alberta to be with my mom before she passed away. This was a heart wrenching experience and one of love, faith and hope. Victoria is smiling, giggling, and enjoying life. Nana did get to spend some time with her before Nana passed away. It has been a rough go these last few months but we are thankful that Nana did get to meet her. It was my mom's fear that she would not meet her.
It has been a true blessing to watch Tori as she discovers her hands and feet and all the different sounds that she can make, we have found that she has quite the Character and is a bit of a Drama Queen. She is so adored by our families. She is our little miracle and we are so thankful to have her in our lives. She brightens our days and fills our house with laughter, love and Baby stuff. We have waited so long to have a baby to fill our house and let me tell you there is baby stuff everywhere.
and I LOVE IT!

The grandparents are filled with Joy when they see her, that is what her Nana called her, baby joy and that is truly what she has brought to our family, Joy!

We look forward to watching her change and grow, and we are to Give thanks to the Father Above for giving us our beautiful daughter! More Updates to Come!

Trying out the Jolly Jumper but the legs just weren't quite long enough!

one Month

Its a Girl!!

2010-08-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Victoria Grace Kroesbergen was Born August 4th 2010, at 5:05pm.
Weighing 7 pounds 13 ounces.
She arrived after 14 hours of labour, and a fairly difficult delievery. After pushing for 4 hours mom was exhusted, but with the help of forceps and a nice little cut...enough said...Baby Tori arrived.

Here are some photo's I will add more!!

4 weeks and Counting!!

2010-06-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

We are nearing the end of this pregnancy, and along with our excitment comes heart ache, as my mom was diagnosed with cancer again, this time it is much more serious then the first, liver and colon cancer combined. However we will remain strong, postive and hopeful for my mom. In the mean time baby K is still cooking well, and remains in a good active state. We are ready to meet this little one, and embark on our journey of parenthood. Although the circumstances are not ideal, we will still celebrate the miracle that this baby is. This baby will be born in Strathroy Ontario at the Strathroy Middlesex General hospital. We are looking forward to that day. Although I will admit I am fairly terrified of the unknown that lays ahead of me. My fears of labour are coming up to the surface more and more now, but at the same time I am so excited to meet Baby K. I am sure that God made me capable of having this baby or he would not have allowed me to get preggers. I am enjoying the feeling of the baby when it moves around, and when it gets the hiccups which is about once or twice a day. It has been an amazing experience, and I hope that God will allow it to happen again, however in the mean time, I want to enjoy this baby to my full capabilities! Keep us in your prayers!! Keep my mom in your prayers!

God is Good!

9 weeks...down to the single digits!

2010-05-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

Things are continuing to go well with the pregnancy, my amniotic fluid levels have normalized. Baby continues to grow, and move. It has been pretty exciting slowly getting more baby things. This week I picked up baby shampoo, and wash, and lotions, and bumb cream. My feet are starting to tell me that this baby is not far away, as they spend most of their day very swollen. Shoes are becoming an issue, good thing the weather here in Ontario is turning warm that I can be in sandals. It has been such a change in emotions and feelings. I am often unsure of what to talk about, because for so long it was about the hurt of not being parents, and now our whole world is changing, and it is often very overwhelming. 64 days till our due date, and counting. This baby is some one that we have been praying for, for a long time, and every time I feel the baby move, I am reminded of God's grace, and love and continued blessings, even when we could not see it. We look so much forward to meeting this little person.

I will be honest and say I am not looking forward to the process of getting to meet this little one, but I know that I have tremdous support to get through it and God will provide me with the means to get through the labour and recovery. I look forward to seeing my family again, seeing I have not seen them in 16 months, and I look forward to the public baptism of our baby. For a long time, I felt so broken every time I attended a baptism, because I did not understand why God would not allow a couple like Tom and I to be the parents that we have always longed to be. Children was something that we both wanted, but never expected it to take this long or cost as much as it has, but it is all worth it, every tear, every dollar, every day praying, is worth it. I am so thankful, that I can finally feel a baby move in my womb, that is something I imagined as a child, and now it is real to me as an adult. I am truly grateful for this amazing oppertunity, and blessing. I continue to pray for those who are still battling daily with infertility, I pray for peace, understanding and patience.

In other news, we have a new addition, a little girl, born to Sparky's Grin, she is doing well. At the same time we have more bad news to report as well. On Saturday afternoon we lost another horse this one being the baby of Stonebridge Cameo, she was still born. We are learning quickly that Horses can break the bank, but also your heart. So we have 3 babys, Three Mares, we were suppose to have 4 babies and 4 mares come out of all this. It was a tough start to this horse business, but we have learned and will continue to learn lots as time goes on. That is the lastest update of the Kroesbergens.

God Bless

The Newest Addition!

2010-04-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

Well to say the least it has been one of those interesting weeks, that kinda made us feel like we were hanging on a wire. Just over a week ago, we had another foal born on April 13th at 3:30am to Top Time Jessica. But by 7:30pm that night, Jessica had tried to roll over and twisted her gut, she was put down very shortly after that by a local vet. She left us with a beautiful little foal to raise. Jesse's Finest now requires feeding every 4 hours, and has had lots of health issues due to the fact that no matter how good, milk replacer or goats milk is, it is just not mom. But over all considering what the poor little guy has been through is doing remarkably well. We are in the search to find him either another orphaned foal or a pony to help keep him company. He is hopefully going to be a race horse, with that in mind it is very important that he learn a competative nature this way it will push him on the track later in life. Right now we are just trying to get him over the shits, and get his bowels functioning at a normal pace.

In other news the Pregnancy is going well, and we are finding ourselves closer and closer to our due date. Baby is growing well, although my amniotic fluid levels are still on the low end of normal, so they are keeping a really close watch over me and baby. We went for our 5th Ultrasound this week and finally got a picture of the profile of our babies face. This is the first time that we actually got a glispe of our babies features. We still do not know what it is by choice, and we won't until baby arrives sometime in July. We are now 26 weeks and counting!!

We still are in need of lots of baby things yet, and it is trickling in slowly. The Nursery is set up and waiting for baby. We still need to get a car seat and Stroller, I would love to get a baby swing, and little bouncy chair. I don't have any receiving blankets yet, but I am sure that will come. I have new born diapers that I received from a friend, and they are so small and smell amazing...ok, so that may be a little wierd, but I love the smell of diapers. It used to drive me nuts to walk into a Walmart and walk past the baby diapers and smell them because it reminded me that I didn't have the baby I so deperatally wanted, but Now I Breathe in Deep and Say, God is Good!

Moving along well

2010-04-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Well we have reached 24 weeks and one day!! Baby is very active, and likes to keep me awake at night...practice for when this munchkin arrives. My Due date was moved up to July 27. We are starting to get more and more excited, we now have a crib and Change table and I am starting to get more and more clothes. We don't know what the baby is so the guessing game continues. We did however find out that my amniotic fluid is a on the low side of normal so I am being monitored for that, but other than that baby is doing well, and Family patiently awaits the arrival of this very special baby.
In other news we had a new addition to our family though with the Birth of our first baby Horse, a Boy, and his name is Hip Hop annonymus, (Andy) for short, and one is over due and we are waiting through the hours now for baby #2 to come. Hopefully sooner then later for the sake of Mommy! But All looks to be good so far!
Babies, Babies Every where!

18 weeks

2010-02-25T21:35:00.001-08:00

Well we are into the 19th week now, totally incrediable the changes that have happened to baby, and to me. See the baby move away from us during the ultrasound, and seeing the baby's heart beating away is truly breath taking. I find I am more emotional now, about being pregnant. It could very well be my hormones but every week that passes it gets more and more exciting, and we seem to relax a little bit more every week too!

Tom and I recently went down to Florida for a week, and while there I ended up with a very bad cold, we both did actually, and that cold did result in some spotting and other lovely things that happened. However, baby seems to be just fine, and our cold is going away.

I recently realized that I have not journalled to much during this pregnancy. Perhaps because the first 16 weeks I felt much like hibernating and waking up when the morningsickness had gone away. Now that I am feeling much better, I still have my queasy moments, but for the most part I am feeling some what normal again. Now I am experiencing the baby moving, and stress incontentence from coughing and sneezing...that is a whole other story, but that seems to be getting much better to, as baby is rising outwards away from my bladder.

I really have a hard time expressing exactly what I am feeling. It is so strange because for so long I wrote about faith, and dealing with hardships, and now I have growing inside my uterus, the one thing that we have prayed for daily. I am not sure what to say, I am so grateful to my Heavenly father, and I am so excited to meet this little one that He knit together in my womb. Just truly, truly amazing. My parents as well as Tom's parents are getting excited too. My mom told me today that she held a baby that was a week old and she said she can't wait till she gets to hold our little one. This being pregnant thing is hard work, and not always pleasent, but it is truly rewarding to see the joy on our faces and on the faces of those around us...Keep the prayers coming!!

16 weeks

2010-02-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went for another Dr. appointment, and I got to hear the heart again, and this time the baby's heart rate was 152 bpm. We started to get more baby things, we ordered the crib, and mattress, we also got a crib bedding set, we have a few sleepers and a teddy bear, for our baby. This week I have started to feel the baby moving around. I really want to treasure these few months, because they are truly a blessing, and we really feel that God has answered our prayers.

Tom is jealous that he can't feel the baby yet, but that will come soon enough. In the mean time I continue to Grow, and so does baby. Baby is sitting somewhere between 16-17 weeks in my belly, I guess there is a certain height that the uterus reaches at various weeks, so our baby is growing well, right where it should be.

I am still wearing my normal jeans, but they don't go above the baby anymore, they have sit below the baby, but maternity pants are just a little big yet, the elastic part anyway.

2 weeks till the ultrasound we are both very excited to have that experience. Again this time, our baby should look like a baby, with a top and a bottom!

Keep the prayers rolling!

Baby is Growing, and mommy is glowing!

2010-01-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

So we are now into the 15th of pregnancy and everything seems to be going well. Baby is growing, and mom is starting to pop. We are still in shock I think and are looking forward to our next ultra sound on Feb 25th at 18 weeks. Our families are excited and so are we. Every time we hear the heart beat, my heart just leaps for joy, and it becomes more and more real.

At first I had a really hard time with realizing that this was and is real, I have a baby growing inside my tummy. Just truly a miracle! My mom told me that I need to claim the gift that God is giving to us, " the gift can not become yours until you claim it". The whole infertility experience has given both Tom and I a totally different view into what it really means to becoming a parent. This is a miracle for us to becoming parents, we are truly treasuring it. Every day that goes by is a gift, and one more day closer to us meeting our little miracle. As my regular clothes are getting tighter and I am starting to look more and more pregnant, the excitment, and anticipation grows as well.

Please Keep the Prayers coming!!

Baby Kroesbergen

2009-12-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

On Dec 15th we got to go in to the Hospital and have an early ultrasound done. At 7 weeks and 5 days, there on a screen we could see a heart the size of a sesame seed flickering, and when they turned up the volume, my own heart leaped for joy. There was two embryonic sacs, but only one fetal heart beat, meaning that the twin did not develop but one had, and was growing and looking like a blob, but it was our blob.
Now we are 10 weeks and one day, and things are continuing to go well, I can't wait to hear that little heart beat again, letting me know it is all ok still.
I have well come to experience the full meaning of morning sickness, or morning, noon and night sickness, excess saliva, a bad cold, and head aches, but when I am bowing before the throne, i have a smile on my face, because this is a good thing. I have a book called when your miracle makes you miserable, and really it sounds awful, but I will admit being pregnant is not easy, I love the idea, but it is true at times you are miserable, no matter how long you have waited to be pregnant there are moments of sheer misery followed by moments of bliss, and joy and thank goodness for the pregnancy brain, then you don't remember the moments of misery!! :)
I am truly grateful for the gift that God has given us, I am not going to take it for granted, just take it one day at a time.
Baby Kroesbergen is due to arrive July 30th, 2010. Praise be to God! Keep the Prayers coming for my health, Baby K's health and Tom's sanity!! tee hee!!

In Vitro

2009-12-31T14:44:00.000-08:00

During the last few months Tom and I embarked on the Journey of InVitro Fertilization. This was a terrifying, long and worthwhile experience. Although very expensive, the staff, and the other patients made the experience worth it. Through 3 different drugs, ultrasounds, and Ovaries that were the size of small melons, we got 9 embryo's from the deal. We decided that we would put two of the embryo's back into my uterus. Once that was done then it was the waiting game. 15 days of waiting. That was the longest 15 days that we have had to face in a long time. We took one day at a time, and slowly they passed by. Then On the 15th day, I went for a pregnancy blood test, I don't think I have ever been that nervous in my life. I waited by the phone all day, waiting for that phone call that would either break my heart, or jump start us into a new life.
The phone call was to happen between 1-3:30pm. My sister in law called at 2:57pm, I thought ok here we go...then I found out it was her. Than at 3:14pm the phone call came. I went and sat on my bed, the nurse asked if I was sitting down, I said yes. By now my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest. Then she said the words that we have wanted to hear for 5 years. Congratulations you are Pregnant! I could not fathom it at first.
I phone my husband right away and called him "daddy" I have wanted to do that so long.

However now the journey takes a sharp new turn, we are truly excited and yet very scared, and worried for the safety and health of our baby. But for the first time in 5 years we can say that we have a baby growing in my uterus. God did it. God is good!

Visits from Friends

2009-11-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight we visited with Friends that we have not really seen in a long time, it was really nice to catch up again. Life has seemed to run away with out us and now we have to catch up to everything that has gone on. I must say I am grateful to friends who love us despite our oddities or our great sadness and painful journey through infertility. We often felt that through the journey that we were alone, in our feelings of despair and loneliness, that there was no one that could understand and no way for us to make them understand. It really is a strange place to be, you know what you want, but you just can't have it for whatever reason, things fall by the wayside.
We have come to realize that despite the past, we need and want to grow up. God wants us to grow up in Him, that we would not need milk forever but truly grow in him, and seek him in all situations, no matter what they are, no matter what emotion, or feeling we may have. We are aware that we need a community, what we don't know is exactly where that is, or how or when we will get there. We do however want to grow up in a spiritual way. We want to face each day as a gift, and take it as it is. Recently I have gotten the cold shoulder from some, but I really don't care, for once in my life, I don't care. Because I know where I stand right at this moment, in the middle of God's will. I don't have time or want to have time to deal with little teenage scwabbles that for some reason us women have. They are petty, stupid and plain ridiculous. Got a problem with me then face me, if you don't have the guts, then keep it to yourself. God calls us higher then that, and paul many times said quit your fighting, figure it out. It is just not worth it. I am who I am by the grace of God, I am not perfect, but I am happy to be me. I am loved and cherished by my family, I am respected by those who's respect I earned, and I am made in the image of God.
Thankyou to friends that continue to care, pray for us, and love us no matter what state our heart is in. God Bless

Being free

2009-11-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

My uncle recently came to visit me, and while we were visiting we talked a lot about church, and how wounded I felt, and how I felt trapped under tradition, and ritual. So he told me this story and I think he hit it on the nail.

It was Johnny's first day of school, the teacher walked around and handed out a sheet of paper to everyone, and said "we are going to draw a picture today". So Johnny took out his new crayons, and began to draw a dragon and a knight. The teacher then said, "we are going to draw flowers"
Johnny quickly turned over his paper, and began to draw flowers, purple ones, and red ones and blackones. All different. Then the teacher said, I want you to draw one flower, color the pedals yellow the center red, and the stem green and there needs to be one leaf, you need to color that green as well. Now Johnny was very embarassed, he had to raise his hand and get a new sheet of paper. Johnny drew one flower with yellow pedals, a red center, and a green stem with one leaf.

A few years later Johnny had to move, and on his first day of class he had art class, the teacher handed out a sheet of paper and said you may draw anything you want, just draw. Johnny took out a yellow, green, and red crayons. He drew one flower, with yellow pedals, a red center, a green leaf and stem. When the teacher had collected them, she later asked Johnny why he drew a flower, when he could have drawn anything he wanted. Johnny replied " I don't know how to draw anything else".
If we get so caught up in traditions and rituals that have been set for us, we never learn how to do things on our own. If there are always people ie: friends, church elders, family telling us how to do things and the way that we should do them, the gifts that God gave us may end up not being used the way that they could. Some rules are good, entirely. I strongly believe that each child of God has something to offer to the King of Kings, but they often need to figure out what that gift is on thier own through the spirit teaching them, moving them. We all have the image of God in us, don't snuff it out for someone else because they are different or have a different way of finding thier identity in Christ.
I thank my Uncle Eric for his advice, concern, and love!!

Our Journey Continues.

2009-11-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Our Journey through infertility has brought us through every treatment, (almost) availiable, and yet this does not solve the problem of waiting. I often have wondered why God has allowed us to go through so much. But then I remember my book, I once said to Tom, that my book is not finished till I have a baby(ies) in my arms. Then a new book with have to start. But until then it has been a roller coaster experience and continues to be. The hardest part of it all is the times in between treatments, where the days turn into weeks and church, and friends become less of a priority, not that we don't want to hang out with them, it is just easier not to. I don't know what friends think of me, I don't think I want to know. What thier opinion of me is...is entirely up to them at the moment. I just ask for thier patience, love and support, and grace space.

As far as the church thing goes, we really have found it difficult to begin to search for a new family of believers. It is a really sore spot in my heart, because personally, I know exactly what I want to do...but I am married, and my husbands needs, opinions and desires, matter to me just as much as my own. Here is the thing, I am a rebel. I will admit that, but it runs in my blood, I am not a religious traditionalist. I believe in the holy Spirit, who moves among us, and will guide you if you let it. I believe in not shutting out spur of the moment things, as long as they do not go against the biblical teachings of Christ. I really don't know what to think right now, because I feel that our church community is a fair weather community, when they are good, and you follow what they want, things are good...however the moment that something goes wrong, if they don't know how to handle you, you are kicked out the door. I have often felt that friendships were pretty frail at our church. . Because we have lived in a little box for the last 6 years, and our friends are friends from church. We stopped going to church, and we lost or it feels like we have lost some of our friends. I can not help but just want to get out side the box and meet people. I have done it before. Camp Rehoboth, Simonhouse Bible Camp, moving to Ontario, I am willing to go the distance, but it is scary, especially for my husband who has never really been out side the box for longer then a week or two his entire life. We are however afraid, if when the time comes that we need more then fair weather friends, around us, that there won't be any to help us stand.
Friendship goes both ways I know. I have not been the greatest of friend, but I don't know how, I feel like a peice of dutch cheese, that is sliced so thin. It has been a long time since I have felt peace with my situation, my name litterally means smalled winged one. I have always been one that loves to fly here and fly there, I hate being tied down to tradition, ritual, it cages up my free spirit.
I want to live like there is no tomorrow, to love like there is no bounds, but I need to learn how.

I am broken and beautiful.

2009-08-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

I heard this song this morning on my way home from the dentist. " I am broken and beautiful"-Mark Shultz. It got me thinking...it seems I have been doing a lot of that lately it would just be nice to sleep instead of think. But with the circumstances that I am finding myself in, I am broken, because of infertility, because of the loss of loved ones, and now with a decision that my church has made with regards to my involvement in the Gems program has left my already broken heart more distressed. I was thinkin the other night at 3 in the morning through my tears that I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unworthy of friendships, and unworthy of Gods Grace.
But this song hit me like a ton of bricks. I am broken down, and people don't have to believe in me, or reach out to me, but God does both. And even in my broken state. I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!
I have been very bitter over the matters of my life, I am completely frusterated with my church community, with fertility treatments and the quest to find God's will for my life. I have often felt that I need to go where I can serve my God with out the judgement of my emotional pain as being unreasonable. To be honest, if you have never walked through infertility then you have no idea, or any right to tell me how I should be feeling. Those others (I talk about), being a community that is suppose to guide and help, encourage, and lift up in prayer, but also warn, but that is not the focus of a body of believers, at least that is how I see it.
I have not gone to church for a while, not because I don't always like the music or the preaching, I will admit that this is true, but that is not the reason that I don't go to church much lately. I don't go because I have to deal with the reality of my situation, I am alone in a crowded room, I can't talk about being pregnant beyond 9 weeks and so many of my friends can, I can't talk about babies or family life, with out loosing it 2 minutes out side the church parking lot.
The other reason, God is allowing me to face this hardship to break me down so that I will do his will with out putting mine first, and loosing what God wants for me. It is a process, and despite knowing this I still have to live with the reality of the pain, and apparently this not understood by my family at times, my friends, and my community of Believers.
I am struggling with my faith, I will gladly admit that because I think that is exactly where I need to be. I feel that I am being put out side the door because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I won't BS my way. I will not put on this Happy face for the community, when I am not happy.
When I am Happy you will know it, when I am not you will also know it. I feel that Jesus was much the same, when he was happy he was filled with Joy and when he was in sorrow, he wept.
I am Angry because I don't always see God's goodness in my life. But if you look at the suffering of Job, he was not always a happy camper in his suffering but his faith remained in his Savior, do you think we could have asked him to just put his suffering away for a while, and put on a smile. I don't think so.
I am now angry at the decision that certian individuals made because they don't know where I have come from nor have they seen or felt the Grace of God that has been previalant in MY life through out. I think thier decision is wrong, judgemental, and and uncalled for...If these people at in my church community had such a problem with me, it would have been nice to know before I became a blubbering, very sad, and hurt person. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!
I am broken and I need help, but where will it come from...it won't always come from those around me, no, it will come from my God. Who says...Nothing can seperate me from him..NOTHING!!

I am broken, and Beautiful, Thanks be to God.

It is Just not fair...Goodbye Dan for a while!

2009-07-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

This past week our lives changed and we will never be the same again. On Sunday June 28th, Lisa my sister in law(19) and her boyfriend Daniel Triebner(23) were on their way to church. They Lost control of the truck that they were driving and had a head on collision with a very big tree.
As they were trapped in the truck, neighbours came out to rescue them, they both had to be cut out of the truck with the Jaws of life. Lisa suffered a broken Leg, ribs, Cuts and scrapes. Dan suffered much more, 2 broken femers, broken tail bone, broken hand, shattered tib/fib and foot, broken jaw and pelvis. Dan died later that evening from complications of his injuries during surgery. However when he arrived at the hospital Dan was concious and knew where he was, and what had happened.
The day prior to this happening our Parents had left for Europe, and they returned home as fast as possible, but in the mean time, us siblings had to band together and be strong for each other and Lisa as well as Dan. Lisa also had surgery that night for her leg, she is now at home recovering. The emotional pain left at times out wieghs the Physical pain for lisa, our family as well as Dan's family have been devastated. Dan has been living and working every day with our family for the last 2 months, and there is an empty hole left in our hearts, and we must pick up the peices and do our best to move forward.
I got to know Dan very well over the course of the renovation in our home, and he will be forever missed. I will write more, when my heart calms and I can think of Who Dan really was to me!

New News!

2009-06-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

So this past week has been a bit of a whirl wind, and we have found our selves in the midst of something completely new. We are now the owner of 4 retired race horses, that are now breeding mares. Hip Hop Best, Top Time Jessica, Stonebridge Cameo, Sparkies Grin are the new members to the Family. All four will hopefully be foalling in the Spring of 2010. Last Night we went to the Horse races and this week I will be attending a Halter Class where new foals get thier halter for the first time. We are both very overwhelmed with all the information that we have been recieveing, but we are both very excited. I have a childhood dream becoming a reality. We have much work to do, as they will arrive on our farm hopefully October, once the foals that they have now are weaned. This is a whole new world and we have so much to learn about every thing, but for the first time in 5 years of marriage we have something to be really excited about, something that we can do together as a married couple. Should be an interesting summer. It is amazing how things can change in a matter of days.

WARNING!!! Under Construction!!

2009-06-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years we have found ourselves in various struggles of life, loosing loved ones, cancer has been a frequent word in our home, we have had our share of hard times. We have laughed together, cried together, got mad together and travelled together. But having a house under construction, makes all the stuff of life come to the surface. We have found that our relationship is also under construction. This summer we will be married for 5 years, we have found out that marriage is hard work, it is worth it, but it is not easy. When you compound infertility, family struggles, depression, and a unwanted reno, it really starts to wear down the heart. We have found ourselves soul searching deep in the kackles of our inner most being. We have never had to dig down this deep before, and it is taking alot out of us to just keep on going, to keep living really living.
I know that we are suppose to find this peace that passes all understanding, but I ain't feeling it. I am angry, frusterated, sad. I should not feel this way, I am 25 with a good life ahead of me, but right now it is so hard sometimes to even think about getting through the next 5 minutes. I have not been able to go church in a long time, my faith is not in doubt, but rather my faith is under construction, my doubt is in the people I had trusted with my faith life. When I never should have trusted them in the first place, that is God's department. People have let me down when I needed them the most, I have failed them, for I am to weak, to self centered. Like I said I am under construction. We ( Tom and I ) are still under construction, we are still hoping and praying for a child. The journey to get there is just so hard.
The frieght train keeps right on rolling by, and we just sit and wave goodbye. Hoping it will stop to pick us up soon.

For now we will live in the Construction Zone, all is exposed, all framing, Plumbing and flooring. The best is yet to come, but the work must be put in to see the final beautiful result.

Still waiting.

2009-05-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

So, life has begun to speed up around here as Spring planting season has sprug into action. Not to mention a HUGE reno in our bathroom and laundry room, which has been occupying my time.
Spring time, means Long hours, Dirty clothes and seeds in the ground. It also means babies.
Spring although the end of the long winter months it is also the time where most babies are born and there are plenty of every kind and shape. We are very much struggling in the Spring months that is when infertility hits really hard. We are still waiting for that day when our hearts will be filled with Joy again. It seems that most if not all of the couples that we hang out with or used to hang out with have or are going to have a baby. It has become a real struggle to remain in control of my sanity as we are still waiting. We are searching for peace.
We are hoping for a brighter summer and true hope returned to us as we wait with renewed hope with a hopefully a successful surgery.

PEACE

The Hard Brick wall!

2009-04-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

We as a couple have seen our share of glad, happy and wonderful moments. However the last 4 years and 7 months have left us with many scars as well. We have poured our heart and our very essence into fertility treatments only to have them fail. We have watched our friends and family have their first, second and some their third baby, all the while we are still waiting.
We know that we have a God that is in control, and we know that we are loved by Him and He has plans for us. But lately with an upcoming treatment, I have finding it really hard to just relax and let God take care of the time that I am waiting. My heart and my head are moving in opposite directions. I have put alot of pressure on myself that I need to get pregnant, so that I am not left completely behind. I recently was thinking that I am running behind a Baby Freight Train, and I just can't seem to catch it, it rolled on past me this week and now I feel like the Coyote chasing the Road runner and I keep get squashed my an anvil and other falling objects, but my goal is still the same for those 4 years and 7 months. Alot of people have asked the question why don't you just adopt? I tell you now, that any couple that has gone through infertility will tell you that you have to come to a place in your heart where you are ok with having a child that is not your own. At this point in my life, because I know that I can get pregnant adoption is not where we want to go at this point.
However that being said we will continue to put our heart and essence into becoming biological parents to a child. We will continue to watch the bellies and families of friends and family grow, and we can only hope that we will get that chance to feel the excitement we did 4 years ago once again.
I can only lay my heart on the line and wait. I have tried everything to escape my thoughts, nothing works, Nothing...Working, singing, tearing apart my bathroom, painting, Cleaning, walking, praying...I know that God has placed this passion to be a parent on my heart, and I do believe I will get the chance, but just perhaps not on my time. My book called Infertility Matters...to me is not finished and perhaps God wants me to finish it, and now he is giving me the time to finish it, but what is written on the pages is what is happening during the journey of infertility, and it is not finished yet. However my book feels that it is nearing its close.
When this journey first started we said we could not handle a whole year of trying, doing treatments, that was 4 years and 7 months ago, and we are still going, but each year that goes by the brick wall we hit each month seems to get harder, and it hurts more and more.
I just pray for peace, deep peace, as we wait.

Our road Trips!

2009-04-05T12:37:00.001-07:00

Over the past few years Tom and I love to go on road trips often just day road trips but we do this I think to escape having to deal with our struggles some times mostly it is to just get through the stuff that married people need to talk out and get through especailly when dealing with infertility. But lately we have been taking our 2 year old Golden retriever with us on our trips.
At the local Tim Hortons in Park Hill Ontario they know us now that we go us to the drive through and they hand us a Timbit just for "buddy", they don't ask anymore they just give it to us, and he knows its coming he will stick his head out the window and take it right out of their hands...spoiled...I think so!
Yesterday we were driving near Exeter Ontario and we went for some icecream, and we were at Dairy queen, and the drive through people saw buddy and asked if we wanted a dog Bone...or at least that I what I thought they said...but no, they said doggy CONE...huh?
Well sure enough an icecream cone comes through the window for the dog....Needless to say....I know now that he loves icecream! and the cone for that matter.
Our dog has become our baby, he goes camping with us, out for drives with us, he went to Calgary with me when I was there for nearly 2 months. He loves to go in our boat, hates water... He sleeps in our room...ok some may say that gross, he sleeps in his own bed on the floor.
We have also discovered that he thinks he is a cat! When we got him we have a cat and him and the cat get along just great, but buddy has taken to sitting in the window sill, and standing on the arm rests of the chairs in the living room. It is really entertaining!
He is truly spoiled!! But Hey better to spoil a dog than a baby right?
AT least he does not have to be dressed...only in Alberta where it gets to -40. Then he was wearing booties!!

I Love my Buddy!

Moving forward by taking 10 steps back!!

2009-03-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well our journey has brought us 4 1/2 years of heart ache but it has brought us through an unforgettable journey to which I hope that I never forget. I say that because, I don't ever want to forget what it has been like to go through this, so that my heart will be one of service, care and compassion for perhaps someone else. I have been writing a book as well, and that has been an amazing tool to help aid myself and perhaps others who are just like me eventually.
I wish I could say that I was pregnant but I am not yet anyway. But here are some of the treatments that we have gone through and other possiblities.
Of course we have done what married people do!!
1.)Hystrosalpingogram
2.) 3 months of Clomid
3.) IUI 1
4.) IUI 2
5.) IUI 3
6.) Surgery (yet to happen)
7.) IVF(hopefully this will not be needed)
Over the last few weeks we have found ourselves now knowing part of our problem and there is a possible solution. This brings me to where we are right now.
All the treatments that we went through were really for no reason at this point in time, all the money we spent was for nothing as well. However having said it was for nothing, we have gone through things that I hope no one else I know will have to go through,but we together remain strong we still have our good days and we still have our bad days too, plenty of those. Our faith has been and perhaps will continue to be tested, in the Bible this being tested is a good thing.
Now we are going to be back at square one, but having gone through all the treatments it is like taking 10 steps back, but this is a good thing I think.
The time of waiting now is difficult, and I pray for strength and endurance as we still continue on our journey, but with new insight, and the knowledge that we 5 years ago did not have in our arsinal. We are still in the journey and we will still have our heartaches I am sure, but now things maybe looking a little brighter then then have in 5 years time. This is an strange new beginning!! One month and counting till a renewed Hope!!!

The book of Job.

2009-03-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have recently found that suffering comes in all forms, we each have our own sufferings and we each all feel that our own this suffering is our own. I was reading the book of Job this past week, because I felt a deep sense of suffering, and I knew that one man that did know what that was like was Job. However from reading Job, I discovered that there is much to learn about when it comes to dealing with a suffering soul and how to deal with suffering when it is you that is suffering.

I have also found that what a suffering person needs is not advise, In Job12:3 Job says to his friend, "But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you. Who does not know all these things? People in general find that we need to tell people what we think they should be doing, or how they should be feeling, and we can tell them that, we are free to say as we wish, but that is not always what they need. In moments of despair and frustration we as human beings don't need someone who is not in our shoes telling us what they think of our situation, and how we should be handling it. I believe that the book of Job, is a book of relationships. It depicts Jobs relationship with his God and then his relationship with his friends. The book is interesting how it brings to light our human tendencies to find reasons for our suffering, but This book is more about Justice and How God is justice in a broken world he is the father of Justice. This book is truly facinating.Job was blameless and True to God and his plan. When suffering happens to Job, he does not give up on God, his relationship deepens with God, God does not become this distant all knowing God, Job gets personal with God, he crys out to him, he yells at him asks him hundreds of questions, and yet he still trusts him, and knows that God is the only hope. Even through out his suffering he will not deny God, and his relationship. Then comes the friends, here Job thinks his friends are there to help because they sit with him for 7 days and 7 nights, but when Job breaks the silence with his groans,they listen and they felt that they are there to give advise. When his Friends came, they had once seen Job in his happiness and they had seen the lives that he had touched. Here now Job sits in front of them, covered in sores, sitting in Ashes. The one thing that they forgot when they looked at this man suffering is that they were not suffering the same as Job, they did not get in his shoes how could they. However they wanted to think that they understood and tried to find reasons for his suffering. They see Job and they don't understand how a man so upright, can be crying out the way that he is.They know that God will bless him again because he must have done something wrong, and they try to make Job see this. But here is where they missed out on the relationship that Job needed. Job 6:2-3 If only my anguish would be wieghed and all my misery be placed on the scales! I would surely outweigh the sand of the seas---..." In that moment Job's suffering was his life. He needed colsolation, and grace, he needed justification and a shoulder to cry on. His suffering was his life at that moment, and nothing anyone had said to him, or had tried to teach him would have made it in, why? Because all Job could see was his pain. When you suffer from anguish, you suffer. Nothing you do, seems to make sense to anyone else, because they just don't understand your pain, unless they have been there too! I believe that suffering takes us to an intimate place with God, a place where only you and God go. I know that my suffering is not in vain but my suffering does not end because I verbalize it, but I grow in my faith every time I get to that place.I think we as a human race need to understand that suffering is not designed by God, he does not want us to suffer; but because we live in a broken world we do, but God has not left us to fend for ourselves, He meets us at that place, He uses our suffering to show us his Glory. More recently for me and my husband that we need to have friends, friends that know our suffering and friends that don't understand it at all too, so that perhaps one day the Glory of God will shine through us, but right now, we will be found in that place, that special place just us and God. This place where God meets us is one of true growth, but also facing our true pain and bringing it to God, and wrestling through each doubt and lie that Satan has given us. I believe that is what Job was doing, wrestling his thoughts out to God. Job and his friends for Chapters have a relational war, back and forth, but each time, Job is crying out to them... "I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all! I look at this part of Job, and I see 4 human beings sitting together, trying to understand God, but not realizing that they don't even understand each other, so how can they relate to each other on God's point of view of suffering? Job brings home the fact that he his human, and as human as we come.But he his met with comments and speeches like these Job 18:1-2 : Bildad the Shuhite replied: When will you end these speeches? Be sensible and then we can talk. Job 19:4 Job's reply: If it is true that I have gone astray my error remains my concern alone"... There are alot of words in the book of Job, I look at it very differently now, because I know what anguish feels like to me. Job 19:21: Have pity on me, my friends have pity for the hand of God has struck me...later in the same Chapter Job says this: 25-26 I know that my Redeemer lives and in the end he will stand on upon the earth, and after my skin has been destroyed I will see God; O myself with see him with my own eyes I and not another. How my heart yearns with in me". What a statement! This to me is one of the most profound verses in Job. Because He for verses and verses tells his friends that God has made him suffer, and then this verse. I see here that Job is also battling Satan, and then God comes through him right here. Job knows, that God is there, but he does not understand why he must go through such torment, but God does. Job and his friends are in relationship to each other, Job is suffering...friends trying to help Job by teaching him or trying to figure out why he is suffering...This is what I think is not what God wants from us in our relationships. Job is trying to get across, that he feels pain, and he is allowed to feel the pain, and he is allowed to be angry and he is allowed to feel alone and frusterated, his pain is real. He still knows that his Redeemer lives and because of this He can mourn and cry out in true anguish, because God loves him still and one day the suffering will be over, but right now in this moment in life, all he wanted was someone to come, dress his wounds, bring the kleenex for when the tears are flowing, because the tears need to flow, he had lost everything of worth in his life, and now he was physically suffering as well. Our pain and suffering is so much for us to take in the moments when it is happening to us. But those who suffer live it and it is thier own, and every person handles it different then the next. During this most of this book, the men are trying to find answers that they will not find and God knows that, and I believe that at that moment God used a young man named Elihu, to get just under the skin of just what Kind of a God we have. Elihu a young man prior to God talking to Job, says to the men, Job 34:12 "It is unthinkablethat God would do wrong, that the Almighty would pervert justice". God does not afflict us suffering, that is Satan. God will allow it, because it is for his Glory, that is beyond our comprehension. The whole book of Job starts with Satan coming the angels to God, and God asks him about Job, and God allows Satan to test Job, because God knows the end result, Satan nor Job or his friends knows the end result, But God did. We can not find reasons for our suffering because we can not see it, only God does, don't even try to understand that...it is beyond us. God uses our broken world and our broken hearts to reveal to us his grace, his love. In saying that, it does not take the suffering away, if God allows the suffering we will suffer, but we aren't doing it alone. He provides, what we need, not always what we want. But that is up to no one but God to decide what we need, verses what we want.When we suffer we often question God, just as Job did many times, why is this happening to me? God comes to Job, and asks him if he was there the day the sea was made, and puts Job lovingly in his place. God is far beyond our suffering we do not understand it, our friends, loved ones don't either and who are we to even try. Job is returned all that he had lost, but I doubt he ever forgot what he went through. I am sure that his arms reached down to hold those around him that suffered, because he knew what it was like. When we help each other through suffering, those that suffer feel less alone, less likely to feel that what they are thinking and battling, thier own thoughts and the words of the evil one aren't so hard to get through.Although the pain and suffering that we all may face may be different, the insight into suffering is there, we all should embrace the pain, and love the person, because we all need a shoulder to cry on. Understanding suffering as a real thing is key to understanding and acknowledging that a suffering person's actions, emotions as justified in thier own heart and mind, and that is not for you to dispute. For in the moments of despair I will be sitting in my Heavenly Father's Lap bawling my eye's out because I can freely, and know that God is there, he has not forsaken me, he has pulled me into his lap when no one else would. For when I see and feel joy again and I believe I will, it will be a celebration like no other, because He walked the road of sorrow with me when no one else would or could, and proved to me that He is the All knowing, amazing, loving Father, and I know my Redeemer lives, despite my pain.

Infertility is...
Thank you those who have lifted My husband and I in prayer. Please continue to pray for us, as we continue down the path of infertility. Please pray that our friendships may be blessed even in the suffering, that our faith would grow even in the pain, and that our hope in our heavenly Father would remain forever stedfast and true. Please pray that God would open our hearts to see His plan for our future.
"Naked I came, Naked I will go, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Praise be to God". Job 1:21(Paraphrased by Alida)

Moving forward

2008-12-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Well the journey continues. My mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on Dec.11 2008. We have begun a journey that we are not really ready to take. We are all nervous and scared about all the procedures and possible treatments. I have offically arrived in Calgary for Christmas holidays, but mine will be extended as I am going to be caring for my mom during her recovery from a mastecomy. It is my turn to take care of my mom.
I think I am still some what in the state of denial that this is real and is really happening to us, and my mom. I just want to wake up one morning and the thoughts of my reality be gone.
Me and Buddy will be spending more time in Alberta then I have in 6 years. The hardest part I think will be being away from my husband for an extended period of time. I really just want to go home after our holiday, but that is not possible. I have a responsablity to care and be there for my mom, and brothers. I also feel it is not out of responsiablity that I am doing this. But my mom and me have so much to discover about each other and God has blessed us with the oppertunity to do this. We have the time to talk about everything, and just be best friends. Exactly what a mother and daughter are to be come. My mom and I have grown much closer over the last few years, and I am excited to develope that more. We are moving forward into tomorrow. Unpacking my suitcase and putting it away in the cupboard made it hit home, I am staying here and my husband and i will have to go back to phone calls and internet chats. We have done it before and so we can do it again. God has a plan for me and my mom, I wish I knew what it is. However, I must lay this all in God's hands. I can not put my mom between God and me, but see this situation as a lesson that God is teaching me, that I have something that I must learn, or prepare for. Perhaps God did not give us a child yet because he knew that my mom will battle cancer, and that she needs me to be here for her, and I need to be here for whatever reason. Perhaps it is to take the time to enjoy life and get to know my brothers a little more, and to spend time with my mom that I otherwise would not be able to do. I must look at this from a positive rather than a negative and it will be much easier to handle everyday.
So, hence forth, I must keep going and relying on my God for my Strength. I must be able to lean on him and not myself and others to get me through, although I know that God has providing friends and family that are praying for us and supporting us. It is Him that my true strength comes from.
Moving Forward.

Again...

2008-11-20T20:22:00.001-08:00

So here we are almost a month after another failed IUI. Devasted yes! Able to move on, I hope.
We are now moving towards invitro fertilization. This however comes at a huge financial cost.
and the moral one, is even more costly. We however have had other news that has turned my life somewhat upside down. I am feeling quite lost in emotion, and fear. All I can say at this point in time is that some one I love very much, could possibly be facing a dramtic change. I am talking about my mom. My concerns are real, and my fear and worry is justified. The women I love the most, is faced with an un sure future. She lays her life in the hands of doctors, and we wait. I think that God has been training me to wait. I still hate waiting. But I like for 49 months now have been waiting, and now I must wait for something entirely different that has absolutely nothing to do with my future with or with out children.
My prayers go up to a God I know hears me, but still I wait for answers. Oh God how long?
I ask for prayer, and I seek guidance, and a hope that something postive will result from my suffering. But my suffering is no long just my own, but I suffer with my mom, as we wait the results of the tests.
I pray that God will allow us the grace and the strength to see his good work in this.
I love my mom, and I love her more now in my life because of her love and strength, she is my rock in hard times, and she has pointed me back to my God time and time again.
So tomorrow the reality of this all will still be there, and my sleep may not come easy, but i will trust. Because I can not do this alone.

Oh God, how long?

A WAR!!!

2008-10-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have found myself at war with who but none other then myself. Doubts are creeping into my head. We are on our 3rd and final round of IUI, then the bigger guns come out, but in the mean time, we watched a film, that we needed to see, but now I am at war.
It is called 'fighting Giants" It is a christian main stream movie, but it was aimed right at us, it is about a coach who's high school foot ball team is unrated and they just plain suck, he has alot of different stresses, one of the main, being that him and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years with out any success. This movie is about Faith, and what that really means when you really live it out. God has the power to do as He wishes, but it is up to us to prepare the land for the Rain and for God to work through us and build us. Any way I spent most of the movie bawling my eyes out, and I thought God was talking right to me. That he can do all things. With God all things are possible. But here is where the war is. I want this treatment to work more than anything, but 2 others have failed to work. Do I trust that God will allow me to be pregnant this month, or do I protect myself, and doubt it, because if it is positive that It will be a total surprise. I know in my heart that God can do it, but I am terrified that it might not be this month, or what about the next. In the Bible " Do Not FEAR" is listed 365 times, I know that I am not to be afraid, but I am finding excruiating to not be. I'm more scared this time then anyother time before. I am sending out REQUESTS FOR PRAYER!!! PLEASE PLEASE!!!

Home

2008-09-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am in Calgary enjoying some home time. I will always love the "Holy Land" hehe....
No matter how many times that I come back , I still miss it when I go again. I love it here. I love the city, I love that I know some what where things are. Things change, but I still know where I used to live. The Rivers, the Valleys and the Hills, I have not been to the mountians yet, that is on thursday with my mom, but I am truly enjoying being here in Alberta. I am missing my husband and my puppy. I like ontario, but it will never be the Alberta that I know and love. I think that it is a mentallity that we are just born with if you are born in Alberta. You can go anywhere in the world and Alberta will still be home. It is just in the blood. I love the rolling hills the ranches, the horses. The peace.
I will always be a Proud Albertan, and my heart will always desire to be in Alberta. I am a girl that loves my Alberta. Today I saw my best friend for the first time in 4 years, and I am blessed to have known her, and that past makes me miss Alberta, Calgary, my home. I am glad to be able to come home, to see my family and friends, they are forever missed when I am in ontario.
People say you will bloom where you are planted, but what happens when the not all the root are removed and they resprout. I love Alberta. I love my family.
But I will go where my truest love is...that love being my husband. I am willing to not be in Alberta, to be with the man I love, it comes at a great cost, but I am willing.
Funny how it goes, I am brave enough, I don't know many people that are.
God Bless My Canada.

Life Moves On...

2008-09-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

I looked up into the sky's and I saw this, I realized that as I looked at this beautiful portrait that I captured. That I am going to hopefully wake up tomorrow, and life is going to go on. I still need to eat, I still need to breathe, but I also need to deal with the emotions and hard things that come with going through infertility.

At times I really don't want life to move on, I get caught up in my emotions and I get jealous. When that happens I don't want time to go on, because that would mean that women around me are going to have their families, and they will have their babies, and I want them to, but I want to too. I guess that's why life does have to go on, because I am not ready to give up the goal. I still long for that amazing life long prize. Life must go on, because I need to continue to love my husband, and love and grow our marriage. I must keep going. Last week, I was at a thrift store and I found a pair of baby shoes, and I bought them, and they hang in my truck on the mirror.

I bought them to remind myself that I can not give up, on that goal that I long to reach. To be a parent. That one day I will be a mother, I will have a child's feet running through my house, filling the gap in my life. I have been blessed with a very loving husband, who I am more and more amazed with as we go through life together. We learn so much together, about our selves

and where are goals are for the future. We both long to be parents, but we long more to be happy. At times it feels like a child of our own would allow that happiness to happen. But I think that we both know that we need to find that happiness together now. Because a baby is not going to make it all better. We have to find it now, and when we do have a child it will be even better then before. That being said... I think we all know that, that is easier said than actually done.

I just pray for Peace. I need it, Tom needs it, and we need support, from those that we love most. We need it more then we could ever actually ask for. We are seeking happiness, but we are dealing with sadness, hopelessness, and pain.

IUI #2 RESULT

2008-08-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am really just at a loss for words.

I am just plain sad. It didn't work, again. I am angry at God, myself for not wanting it hard enough. hmmm. I guess I want it so bad, that may be it had the opposite affect.
I don't want pity, I want support, prayer, and above all to be treated as normal. Although I feel anything but normal. I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest and I am searching for it. I am lost and wrestling with my thoughts. I don't want to sing to God, I want to yell at Him. I am angry. I can not accept this as good enough anymore.
Why us, why God, Why the frig, would you pick us to go through this, have I not been refined enough. GOD HOW LONG?

I don't know if life is worth the pain anymore. I have so much to love, and so much more I want to love. This valley is lonely.

IUI #2

2008-07-22T19:26:00.001-07:00

Well this last two weeks has proven to be even more difficult then I could have imagined. I feel like a Balloon, I walk around like a baffooon, and I make mistakes constant like a Baboon. I feel like an air head, I have repeatedly stabbed myself, and they have stabbed me too! My Arms are blue, and I feel like it too! Round 2 and how do you fricken do?
Now the waiting game has begun, the longest 18 days I think I am yet to wait. However oddly enough, I feel not much. I have some what disassociated myself from myself. I went through the motions, and did what I can do. I pray for a miracle, I hope for the best, but I am however repeatedly prepared for the worst. I however have finally begun my book, no title yet, but I am amazed at how many words and things that I can write down. Verbal Diareaha ( thats not spelt right) But an enjoyable one. I read and excurp from my book to my mom, and we both sat on the phone bawling. I could barely read it. I hope that some day it will see a publisher and other women like me, will read it and find comfort, or at least a knowledge that they are not alone in the rollercoaster of infertility. I am finding that this journey is one of unimaginable pain, but also one of great discovery if you let it. However this does depend on the moment to moment basis, because you may not know what you will be feeling in ten minutes. The five stages of grief can plague at any time in any random order, it is vicious!
Right now at this moment. I am praying for a miracle. Hoping for a dream come true, and just trying to stay sain.
Talk to me tomorrow and that may change.

Trying to get the right words out...

2008-06-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

For weeks I have been trying to get the right words out... I try to tell my in most thoughts, however it seems to come out as a jumbled up mess. What is it that my heart is feeling.
UTmost, and entirely lonely. I guess I could say that I am just at a loss. The sad reality is, I have nothing really to say. People don't know how to respond to me any more, they don't know what to say, or how to comfort me. I guess that is because I suffer from a disease that is relentless, to leave your heart alone, it nags at it. Day after day...it throbs, and I am left with the tear stains left on my pillow. I want to pray, but I am to exhusted to really see him, I am to mad to write good things, and I am to sad that I don't even know what being happy is anymore.
The worse it gets the further people run from me, afraid that I might snap, or something.
I have trouble handling life on its own, and to add, all the hardships that we are currently facing, to be 3000km from my mom, dad and brothers, to not know what my future holds, not even an Idea of what is to come next. I am so weary, and I have no human comfort, no one can give me a hug and it will go away. It is always there Haunting me, relentless to let me go free even to sleep.
The pain greets me in the morning when I wake and I find myself, to be with out a child, but my dreams are filled with laughter, little feet, and song. I find it hard to sing now, most of the time I just don't want to anymore. For what am I singing?
I want people to understand, what 4 years of this is like, how wearing it is on the soul, marriage and heart. I want people to see that I am human, I am broken, I am not going to put on a happy face, because that would be a lie. I am who I am by the Grace of God.
Right now, I am at the bottom, I can't go down much more, before I become a waste land, with nothing left. Nothing at all.
Words....are they good enough....?? No. Because I can not find words that discribe how I feel.
How do I get through this with out loosing my mind?
I pray from the very depths of my soul....How Long oh Lord, How long???
My very essense crys to him, I beg him. Please PLease PLease. Tell me how long.

Lost Count...

2008-06-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

OK OK OK...ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
I have lost count it hit 35 and I have stopped counting. It hurts to dang much....
So I have now been faced with the Task of living....yikes.
My Heart and my head can not take much more, I am just not thriving well, at all, in fact; I am not sure how I am going to make it, or be strong enough. I still have some little shread of hope for a future. Psalm 6, I have read it over and over and over again, Also, Proverbs 23 something. "Surely you will have a future, your hope will not be cut off". My heart has to many burdens, the head aches litterally are becoming more frequent, and more violent, as the stress levels are rising, so is my blood pressure, heart rate. I am having difficulties eating, I just don't want to eat, or when I do, I just can't eat much at all.
This is what infertilty is trying to deal with life on its own and then dealing with your worst fears on top of that.
HOW LONG OH LORD, HOW LONG???

Realizations!

2008-06-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have recently realized our human nature. To judge, get angry and fight back. In most circumstances that do not meet our own. Or fit the way that we want them too. But have also realized how hard it is to forgive when someone wrongs us, or puts a cramp in our style. I also realized that we as people for get that people change, for the good, or even for the worse. We don't make room for them to change because we don't trust that they can change. Christians in general are more judgemental, and more hostile when we are talking about church finances, or politics, we forget that the people around us are entitled to their opinions as well. I was in the Christian book store yesterday and I came a cross a book called, " everyones normal till you get to know them. So true isn't it. With in our churches we only let people know so much about us, because if they see more then that then they may or may not like us. I have been searching for answers with dealing with relationships gone sour, and I have not come up with any other then I have to look deep down inside my heart, and I need to update my heart. People can or some may not want to see any change and that is fine, but I want to change, for the better. To reach a new understanding in life, but also to still be accepted and loved, when I fail. Is that not what our human nature wants. To be loved and accepted to find people that you are not afraid of showing the bad side because they will love you anyway.
My heart aches with sadness, and my soul is weary. Yet some how in some way, I still hold on to hope. A new kind of hope. A new hope brought on by everyday. Not one day is that hope the same, but forever changing, adapting. Just like the people and the world around me. Heres for a brighter tomorrow. Change is good.

Indirect Hero

2008-05-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched a young man nearly die in front of me, after he lost control of his motor bike just out side of Strathroy, John, nearly lost his life on the corner of Ameins and Mc Evoy.
A young man going a little too fast down the road. His bike landed about 40 feet off the road, and his body about 20 feet or so from the bike, he lost his helmet, both boots, and his jacket and socks where brown and green from the roll he took in the grass. When I pulled up to the accident his lifeless body lay in the grass. He was laying in a fetal position, with blood coming from his nose, ears and mouth. He struggled to even breathe, but I could do nothing to help him at the time. He was still breathing, not great but he was breathing. He lay unconcious, and dying, I prayed really hard the emergany call that came from my cell phone would result in the EMS arriving very soon!!! He did regain some conciousness but not enough to tell us what happened or what day it was/. For a minute I thought I was going to see a Very young man die in front of me. Thank God that he didn't. I was praying really hard, while telling "John" that he needed to hang on. When EMS got there, he was regaining more conciousness, and told them his name, but that was it. The pretty much scoooped him and RAN. They did not do any vitals, they just wanted to get to the Hospital ASAP. I have not heard whether or not John is still alive or how bad he is injured. But I am hoping that he survived the night. I just pray that I called EMS on time, and that it was enough time to save his life. But seeing someone fight to live that is only about 25 was horrible. I have this horrible picture and sound in my head, as I watched him struggle. I thank goodness that I had my Cell phone, and that I kept my cool when his cousin who arrived just after he had crashed, was panic ridin. I just kept talking to John, telling him that the ambulance was on it's way that he needed to hang on.
God PLease be with that Young man and strengthen him as he as much recovery to do.

Signing out.

Alida

Bawling!!

2008-04-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing left.......??
Ever cried so hard that you became so physically exhusted that you can do nothing but sleep.
Ever looked so hard in the mirror begging God to hear your cries.
Ever look into the eyes of someone who is experiencing true joy, and you are the furthest away from that Word, that feeling.
Hell would be discribed well, in the word infertility. When there is no relief, there is no cure, there is no release, there is no end in heart ache, your body, and soul cry out from its very depths, and no one can hear it. You are alone, in a terrifying place, you watch others reaching for the heavenly Godly part of life, parenthood. And you who suffer from this unrelenting Disease, lay dying, wasting away, what is grace, when you have given in all up and nothing comes to your aid.
I hate it when people who have never been through this tell you it will be alright....What the hell do they know. Nothing. Or the best is when people tell you to not think about it...WHATEVER!! 3 years and 6 months, it has not left my mind, it has not left me alone, and how the hell can I not think about it when I know personally 25 women that are pregnant. We have tried every position that could possibly enhance the chances of getting pregnant, I have been through hell and back again. Ever known the feeling of true heart break....the kind where it actually breaks. Where the ability to live is sucked out, and there is nothing but dry bones left. Ever been there....???? I sure have and am.
Down in the fricken basement, locked up.........trapped.......................
What the Hell do I do next..................?????????????

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH!!!

2008-04-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have had enough, enough struggles, enough pain, enough sorrow, enough.
Give me some Dam Happiness!!!
3 this week, that I have found out that they are pregnant, 4 baby's born this week. When is it my turn. I have begged, pleaded, tried to play content, lived, worked and cared for my house, have have 2 empty rooms, a very broken heart. I don't know just how much more I can take. Life does not look that Appealing when everything that you have wanted in life is happening to everyone else, and not me.
Call me selfish, I don't give a shit. I am suppose to be happy, But I am not. I fake it, pretending to be interested. If I could fly to the moon, so I did not have to see anyone, I do not have to have sex. I hate pretending to be happy and the Bawling my eyes out for hours at a time. , I know parenthood is not perfect, and i want the imperfection. I want that craziness...life is to dam perfect, we have the house, and marriage and the family, we got it all.....But one thing.
I am mad.
Mad at God, mad at me for being fat, mad at the world.
Mad at Satan. Furious that I feel the way I feel.
Waiting......waiting......waiting......Dying.....dying......dying.........When is enough, enough.....

In Love.

2008-01-24T12:36:00.002-08:00

In the Face of Adversity, it is amazing how love continues. It has been some of the most trying weeks of my life. I can not even really explain it either. My heart, faith and ability to survive has been tested. It continues to be tested, I am reaching the very brink, when life gets hard enough that you want to give up entirely. When you reach that point where you just can't see a reason for live anymore, thats when God says or puts someone in your life to tell you that you are still loved. I married a young man, 3 years ago, and that man has seen the very best of me and the VERY worse of me as well. I have seen the best and the worst of him as well. Its when you realize what you have been through together that you realize just how strong your love actually is. When you can let it all hang loose in front of each other. The relief that there is no front, there is not fake face being presented, is a way that I know that I am in Love. When you can face it all together, and Cry, and laugh and learn together. I am more in love with my husband now then ever before. Even when the tears are streaming down my face and my eyes get all red, he still loves me, when I get angry and throw a fit, he still loves me. When I break down, and loose my cool, he still loves me. When I forget to do something he told me to do 3 times, he still loves me.
When I can't seem to get a grip, he still loves me. All these things, and he still love me.
I am really glad that I am married to this Man, this man that I am so in love with. We will together continue our battles and Journey's. We will together still long to fill our home with teh sounds of little feet. We will still stay in love, and we will travel, and do our best to enjoy life.
But everyone is entitled to thier share of bad days.
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THOMAS KROESBERGEN JR!

Searching....

2008-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

Recently I have heard someone say about God, when you are talking to him.
"DO NOT DEMAND TO UNDERSTAND"
In my life lately nothing seems to make sense, nothing really seems to be fitting into place.
Things I have dreamed about for years as a child, are at my finger tips and yet they are a million miles away. When deep inside your soul moans with agony, and your heart actually aches. You want to demand answers. I have found myself begging on my knees phyically that God would answer my prayer, and when he doesn't. I have found myself screaming at him, asking him WHY? A womens heart is a Strong, fearless, fragile, and hard to understand. Deep inside the being that God created, there is a need to be a mother, a need to love, cherish and a deep sense of mothers instinct within me. I am searching for a way so that I don't have to hurt any more. I am searching and coming up empty with ways to escape it. When there is nothing that seems to make sense, where is the rational reasoning behind doing anything. I find myself, in my own dream world, where babies live, and breathe, where my arms are filled and my husband has a smile on his face, and my family is happy again. I am searching for a way to reach my dreams, and if I can't; a reason, to dream something else.
Still searching............

party Planner

2007-08-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

This is the Socail Planner, Page...I planned and Pulled off a 25th Birthday Bash for Tom my hubby. We had a Blast and we had the people come, it was alot of fun and there was so much food, and Tom became the offical Old Fart!! haha! This year it's 26 and his Good friend Geordie is tying the Knot on his B-day. So we are spending the day in St.Thomas, Ontario Canada. Yipee!! Congrats Geordie and Kelly!! But there will be many more parties I am sure, I hope. hehe!! Toms says that he will get me for my 25th...he's got 2 years to pull something off!! hehe...I am yet to see a surprise happen. I have been married 3 years and still he has yet to surprise me...he has tried but has failed...bring it on my buster. I will always be the one that has the ability to surprise...ha ha ha~~~ evil laugh!!!

Good Night!

2007-08-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

Ok...so it was my computer that kept the pictures from
Coming hehe...ooops!! But Now that I am using someone elses computer things are looking a little brighter....haha!! I love this photo
of Tom and I and the best part is out photographer
that took this photo was none other then Brittney
Kroesbergen....my hero...she got better shots of us that
day...I am so grateful!! Nothing like the wedding day
Smooch!! and Smooch and Smoooch and smooch and
Smooch....you get the picture... It was a beautiful day!
Our Wedding Party was awesome and they have no idea how much they encouraged us to stay strong and we have, we must also thank all the people that helped that day...3 years ago, 2 weeks from now...WOW!! God is Great...and so is Love, Romance...intimacy!!
Hes got to have a sense of humor!! hehe!! God Bless!!

Life....

2007-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

Life is Good...a smiling face of some one you love is like looking into the Stars. A little peice of Heaven. So great, so content, so peaceful and so encouraging...I love my hubby...and despite his Lack of liking Pictures, a little bit of laughter and a heart of Joy...I got it!!!

I love you THOMAS JOHN KROESBERGEN!!!!!

Yeah...I know...Patience...

2007-08-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

my world...the last 2 months have changed, I have changed, I have a wierd sense of being lost, and yet I know where I am. I will never understand the power of grudges, I will never understand why God does some of things that he does or lets certian things happen.
Why does the Corn have to be so dry, and the storms go around us, why does the farm market seem to fall when it is needed the most, why do friends who you thought were true friends, betray you and talk about you behind your back, why does God do that...Why does God keep parents that want to be Parents from being parents...I don't understand it.
I just want patience, I just want to be the christian that I am suppose be, yet I don't always want to. I don't always want to forgive, I don't always want to pray nor do i always want to wait, but it is not a rule of Choice, but rather, I Must. I need to do it I must....Now...i can have to pray that I will be forgiven that grudges would be removed. Patience...things is the real meaning....Life.....

All or nothing..

2007-05-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

All or nothing, we are going to go all the way...till enough is enough, and when the enough has been reached its off to travel for a while, If that enough is reached and we have out blessed out come, we will be the happiest couple alive...
KEEP THE FAITH!!!

PRAY
HOPE
and KNOW THAT I AM GOD

Mothers Day

2007-05-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day...Usually a good happy day for most moms.
Unless like me you have lost a child.
The heart ache is wrenching and to make it worse, the dream of
one day becoming a mother seems further and further away.
Not because we can't, but because it is taking to much out of me to
wait. Today I was suppose to go visit Grand parents and I could not help
but Cry as we were driving. The Helplessness that I am feeling is so
Over whelming. The Despiration is growing.
I have asked God So many times what he is doing, with us.
Why a loving home, with Empty Rooms Must remain Empty.
Why two loving people who long so much to be parents just can't right now
I feel so Alone, in a crowded room, I hurt every hour of every day.
Just longing for a peice of that feeling that I had the day that I found I was pregnant with my little Angel of Hope. Oh please Pray for me, and Tom.

I am happy for other mom's. But to day is not a good mothers day for me. I wish I could say it was. But my heart is breaking, and my hope is fading.

"LORD PLEASE HELP ME"

Our adventures!!

2007-05-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

When I met Tom, he had only been the mountains one other time about 10 years before we met at the Kananaskis International Cadetaree. My oma actually served my Husband dinner, 10 years before he would marry her grand daughter...Funny story really. But when we go out west we usually head to the mountains...one of my favorite places in the World. We have gone up the banff Gondala, and the Jasper Gondala, and both are beautiful. I have to say I Like Jasper more!! Tom and I have also been to the East Coast, we have also been to florida 4-5 times, we have recently gone to the Dominican, and had a BLAST!! CUBALIBRE!! We have also been across Canada Driving 4 times, and our record was 36 hours, Straight!! Tom Drove 32 hours, stopping only for gas and fastfood. I never wanted to eat mcdonalds again...We have traveled all through Ontario, on our Road Trips together, There are some beautiful places here. Although Tom and I would love to have a family right now...we love our freedom too!! It has been a great 3 years, and we look forward to many more adventures!!!

It will be Okay!

2007-05-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

It Will Be OkWhen times are tough and feelings are strong,
And sometimes you think that you just can't hold on,
Remember this each and everyday,It will be okay...

When tears seem to fall without trying at all,
And you feel that you fail when you give it your all,
Pray for this each and everyday,It will be okay...

When pain becomes a daily feeling,
And you ask God to help you at your bedside,Kneeling,
Just ask for him to say,It will be okay...

When sadness seems hopeless to overcome,
And all you think about is how much you hurt,
Just have faith, stand up and say,It will be okay...

When troubles are knocking at your door,
And you wish they'd go away and be no more,
You have to think of it, this way,It will be okay...

When there's ups and downs, but more downs than ups,
And your heart often feels like an empty cup,
Always remember it is this way,Someone LOVES you...
And it WILL always be okay...

A Peom I found on the internet, from someone who is going through the same thing as me. I thought it was perfect!!

Our Babies!!

2007-05-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Since life sometimes can be a bugger, Tom and I have two babies, well ones not a baby anymore, but I like to think that she is.
We have "Puss" who loves to cuddle, and she is now almost 3 years...wow...she is all black except for 3 white spots on her tummy, chest.
We have Buddy and he is our baby, he is a 6 month old Golden Retriever. He is a handful but we love him very much. He fills our home with the sound of tapping feet and he is fun to have around.
We are on a farm and Tom never wanted to get a cat, but mice in the country in old homes well, became a problem, so after we got married we got a cat, and she is a great mouser!!
Buddy is our second dog, we had another but it was a problem Dog, and she was adopted out to a dairy farmer. To live a much happier life, away from the highway!! Thats our family!! Right now anyway!! I'll keep you posted.

Our lives....Now...

2007-05-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

After 3 years of being married, we have discovered a lot about people, lives and truth and lies. We have learned about human nature, human error and Human forgiveness. We have become one, in thought, heart and soul. We long for the same things, and hope for a bright and long future together. To love someone so much that the body aches for them when you are not with them. I hope that feeling never leaves us.
We live on a Veal farm, and here we have 4000 cattle living in our barns, which cover 3 Km. We have over 30 growers, that grow veal for us as well. We run the farm with Toms Parents, and Brother Bob. We live on Toms Grandparents homestead. Which when they bought had, no water, no electricity and no in house bathroom. That was all added. It was built in the 1890's and was once a brothel, and if you have ever heard of the Donelly Brothers, they were frequent visitors here. People once thought our house was haunted.
Tom works on the farm as the Run around man, and also helps to work the 1100 acres of land.
I am a free lance photographer, self taught, and still learning!!! I love it!! it is my addiction and passion, to capture life in the essence. We live, laugh and love...and that is true greatness!!

Our Story!!

2007-05-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

The life and Times of Alida and Tom Kroesbergen.
We were married, August 21, 2004, we both are the oldest children in our families. Tom is the oldest of 7 children, Bob, Katie, Brittney, Lisa, steven, brad. His Parents are Marcia and Tom Sr.
I am the oldest of 3 children, my brother are Aaron and Philip. My parents are Brent and Wilma VanHooft( no longer married).
Our Story begins with us on our day that we met on-line Sept 21, 2003. We met on www.singlesc.com which is a christian singles website. Two months later on November 20, Tom came to Calgary to meet me in person. We hit it off, and toured through the mountians, to Grande Prairie and there, I met his cousins. We spent the last night together hangin out at the safest place in Calgary Timhortons, along with the company of about 25 coppers!! ,We talked the Whole night before he had to go back the Airport, we both cried as we said good bye, and he walked away.
Then Tom flew me out for Christmas a month later. And after 10days actually together in Total, on Dec 24, Tom and I got engaged in front of his parents house in his pick-em- up truck. In the middle of the night. How romantic...hehe... 6 weeks later I moved from Calgary to Ontario. After and 8 month engagement, Tom and I were married 11 months to the day of when we met on a computer screen. We also discovered that we could play the dutch bingo game and discovered that the pastor of my church, married Toms and aunt and uncle 3 years before.
Life when we got married was different, we discovered our own freedom, and had to discover each other as well. It was a challenge, to get things right, and get to know each other in a whole different way. 3 months after our wedding Tom and I found out that we were expecting a baby.
7 weeks in, I miscarried. We were devastated. We began there our journey of recovery and longing to be pregnant again. We discovered what it ment to hurt, and what it ment to keep our marriage alive. It was going to take work, and that it has, but it has paid off, and our love for each other grows as we go through life, and our faith in God grows as well. We hold on to hope that we one day will be parents, but all on Gods time. We are coming into our 3rd anniversary this summer, and we are excited at the path that God may take us down the coming years.